The power of the dream I had yesterday still lingers today.....it stayed with me all day yesterday.....I still can't fully express how powerful it was.......and having that dream I think showcases a need in me for some kind of something.......something I likely will never get.... and for me it brought up the fact that I still remain the villain in this story, nearly 3 years later......and sometimes that simple fact makes me weary.......I don't think it is continuous for him.......like that is the only view he has of me.....I think moments of clarity find him, but they soon get pushed down, and replaced with me firmly positioned in the bad guy role......making it so his story makes sense....so he feels better....so he can justify all that he has done....all of it....and most days I don't give it much of my attention.....accepting it has to be this way for him to be able to live his life.......but every once in awhile.......it makes me feel weary in it all.....because it is absurd......in every single way......utterly ridiculous.......even on my worst days in my marriage, I didn't/don't deserve anything that has been done to me......not by a long shot.....I have never said I was perfect, or that I did not have my role in the challenges we faced......but I am not the villain in the end of my marriage or the aftermath.....or at all........so some days it feels as if I was hit by a bus......a big commercial bus, completely blindsided, and now the driver is mad at me.......and has been, even during the times when I was healing all those broken bones.....mangled in the wreckage....and sometimes if I am honest it does bubble up some anger in me.......like how dare you......how dare you do all that you have done and still have the nerve to be so angry at me and treat me from that place!!!!!......and I work hard on that because I have released nearly all of my anger toward him......knowing anger is poisonous......it just is.......and it is not something I am willing to carry around......and really in the beginning and beyond anger didn't find me very much at all and still doesn't......it is more the underlying hurt that I have been able to access and get in touch with from the beginning, which I suppose is a good thing.....anger is a cover......such a mask for what we are really feeling, and I am grateful and blessed to be able to get in touch with how I am really feeling....so if a little anger bubbles I think it is motivated by the injustice of it all, and the fact that it is utterly ridiculous that I remain the villain......after all I have tried to do to make this as smooth as I possible could have.....and to add insult to injury they are also now friends with old friends of mine that also place me in the bad guy spot......like really?? it all just seems kinda hard to believe........so my work all along as been in standing in my truth......knowing who I am......who I have been in this story......knowing my story and what has happened to me........feeling proud of most of my behavior and the things I have done.....and learning to accept that I must be a villain.....a role that was really hard for me to own......really hard for me accept......but learning through my therapist and other means the source of why I must remain in that position in terms of him has helped the acceptance of it......it helps to know the reasons and feel validated in those ways, but it still hurts sometimes, no matter who you are......being villainized for stuff you didn't do, and being blamed for the worst thing that has ever happened to you is not easy......especially when you were powerless in it all.......especially when so many cruel and hurtful things were done alongside it all.......but ultimately as with so much......I know that surrender and acceptance need to find its way to this.....fully once and for all......I feel like sometimes those things find you in cycles.......like thinking you got it.....and then something surfaces to make you realize you aren't quite there......that it is better than last time but not gone.....and that's how the villain thing is....in the beginning it bothered me so much....made me wild, and so angry and upset and hurt.....and now it doesn't.......it really doesn't......whatever he has to do to live with all he has done is on him.....and if making me the bad guy is one of those things so be it......but there are times it makes me weary.........not so much anger just being over it......wishing that the fact that we are nearing 3 years could bring with it some change and shift in that regard.....and knowing that that isn't likely.......I also know and have learned that I cannot control him or his treatment of me......it is on him.....and the only control I have and have had is in my journey and behavior in this.....so I do my best to make decisions that feel productive......if we could all listen to each others hearts.....the world would be a better place......I wish he could hear mine, truly hear it and I could hear his........the real heart of him......the part that lies beneath all the surface anger and nonsense........I am certain if I could it would touch my heart, and bring such clarity to it all......and I always pray that he can hear those things too.......his anger toward me and his putting me in the position he has, is only hurting him ultimately in the day to day.......poisoning him........for me it gets to me once in awhile, and then I let it go and default to peace and enjoying my life......I really do love my new life.....that is true....and while this situation was wildly painful in ways that are hard to explain, it was one of the best things that ever happened to me......that is the truth........and now him and being the villain is a small part of my story now.......but some feelings bubbled after the dream, that I felt needed a voice.....and my blog helps me release those bubbles and leave them behind......I pray for so much in this story......and trust that God's hand is in it all......and that his journey is his....and mine is mine.......and I continue each day to work toward being healed in every way.....and in every place that needs healing.....and to not allow this story to diminish my life, I have worked too hard to get here.......and I plan on protecting it always:) even if I remain the villain in his story all of his days........even then...........my peace is not up for grabs ever again....it just isn't.......
jperuso
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