Sometimes I wonder if my life moving forward will just be composed of living in the peace of the valleys and enduring the hills........when things get quiet and I can be peaceful in the valley, I enjoy it and relish it, but know at some point something will boil up......something will need to be addressed and will cause me to leave my peaceful place I have created......the place I now covet to go and deal with it.......and I wonder if that will be the case always.......truth is we will forever be tied because of our children.......but even more so because of Gabe........I know time and space may help it......maybe some life lessons visiting him may settle it too.......but part of me feels kinda sad that I will have no forever respite from dealing with it at all.....that to some degree I will have to handle these things forever and ever........on repeat over and over...........although I have learned a very important lesson.......in the beginning I literally felt powerless to stop the drama.....to stay out of the line of fire......to not take the constant assault......at least that is how I felt.......but in time I have learned that I have more power than I originally thought......I have more power in what I decide to let in and what I don't than I ever imagined.......and the lesson I learned is that not everything needs to be addressed........only the really important stuff.......and that wasting my precious energy on nonsense is something I am not willing to do......and even if somebody goads me I don't have to play.........I just don't.........I am big enough......grown enough.......to just lay my ego down and NOT PLAY........and leave them in the dust of my peace.........and once I learned that very vital lesson EVERYTHING changed......see in the beginning I was still attached to him in old ways......wanting to make him understand the pain our kids were dealing with......wanting him to do something about that.......help it........soothe it........wanted him to understand the pain and suffering he brought to my doorstep.........validate it........hear it.........make amends for it.......so in my interactions with him I was expecting him to respond appropriately......expecting him to respond the way he would have once upon a time.........and what I learned was that he was and is incapable of doing any of the things we needed him to......and in trying to make him.......or in my attempt to try and bring him to that understanding I was making myself suffer.......like really suffer................so I just stopped........just dropped the habit cold......and walked away......now there are times when I have the opportunity......a clear opportunity to say my peace and when I get the opportunity.......I seize it.......but in the day to day I just say nothing......and let it be.......and it is the exact spot and moment I found my peace.........I now know that what he decides or doesn't in terms of his relationship with our children and who he is deciding to be in this world is no longer my business.......he has created the narrative to live in and my assisting him and trying to help him through it is over.........I will always care for him.......love him......and hope good things for him and for our children and for their future relationship.......but in the now my energy is much better spent pouring into the three of us........not him........so that is what I choose to do.........and I hope my life won't be living in the valleys of peace and waiting to have to rise up and rattle my peace on those hills forever and ever.......I really don't......I pray time and space solves that........makes it less stark........less pronounced.......less often........I really do.......but if it doesn't I will continue to fight the good fight everyday and protect my peace wherever I can..........
jperuso
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