Life is funny....there are so many things that come that threaten to get us all jangled.....and invite us to be afraid of it......to worry over it.....or fret......and really we need not even give it any of our attention.......most of what makes us feel like that.......never ever happens......all fabricated......and I have written many times of feeling like I have done a decent job of eradicating fear in my life.....just not making a space for it anymore.....but there are times when doubt or nerves come in and I worry about a certain situation.....or circumstance, and how it will go.....and well....it always goes way better than I imagine.....always.....and it is a reminder.....to never do that, not ever......complete waste of time or energy......My Mads fears so much as it pertains to me.....she is so fearful at the idea of my dating, or finding a boyfriend, and breaks down in that space.....when she talks about it, she expresses the notion that I would find somebody that I love more than she and her brother.....or that I would give them my attention.....and not her.......and that everything will change........and I get where her fear resides, and where it originated from......she most definitely feels abandoned by her dad......despite being able to see him during his visits.....she eludes often that he chose his girlfriend over them......and well....she isn't wrong to some degree.......but the logistics are such that he could not start another life, and have that not be so in a real sense......so it just is.........but she is terrified of my doing the same to her.....and I reassure her endlessly.......that I would never do that....not ever.....no matter who comes into my life or how my love life unfolds......my kids come first.....and always have.....and always will.......I owe them my survival in this story.......and Mads knows that is my belief and how I operate........I am loyal to my people one million percent.......once I fall for you, I got you.......and my kids.....well.....they have the fiercest version of my loyalty.........and when she expresses those fears......and trusts me enough to say them.....I calm her.......and tell her that when the time comes it will all work out......and that I will forever be there for she and her brother above all else in my life......they deserve that......they have earned that......I am their person.....and they have been mine for nearly 4 years......or maybe since they were born, my reason.....my strength.......my life.......single mom dating......not easy......I want Mads to have an open forum to share her fear.....or fears.....always knowing that there is nothing she cannot say to me.....nothing she cannot bring and lay on my lap......she is fiercely protective of me too......loyal to me......and wanting to have me all to herself.....and I feel that and understand that deeply.......but just as I have experienced, most of what I have ever worried or feared in this life wasn't how it was.....and I suspect that when the time is right her fears will not be found either.....a way will be made....a path beyond that fear....beyond the narrative she has created about how it will be.....and balance will be found.....Recently a lot of my life has been about facing more fears......standing in the face of them and staring them down.....not letting them hold me back from living the life that I want to live.....and it feels really good.......:)
jperuso
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