Yesterday I had a visit with some of Nick's family......they came to see the kids and it was a nice visit.....I made a pot of coffee after dinner and in one powerful moment....the realization hit me.......that I made an entire pot of coffee, for maybe the first time in a year........and as I was pouring the water into the coffee pot that thought came upon me in one moment......I make a half a pot in the day to day now......no need for a full one......and in that simple act I was reminded of my new life.....and it was OK....not painful really just an awareness of what is......random awareness.....and then last night Gabe got sick to his stomach.....a lot.....he tried to make it to the toilet but hit the sink in the bathroom several times and on and on.....and we were up most of the night......he is sleeping now....I am guessing he's got himself a little stomach bug of some sort......and it is in those intense moments of life and with my kids that I realize there is no tag team support.....no passing of a baton......it is me.....and I have an enormous tolerance for being with my kids I guess......maybe more than some??? .......I enjoy it immensely and don't crave breaks or respite......most times there is no other place I would rather be.......they are easy and fun.....and my favorite humans.....and I have mentioned before that I have been on full duty for years really....but since Covid most definitely, me and my crew:). And when he was here I could at least default sometimes, for bedtime, or for other kid sorts of rituals......some support and back up.....and it was hugely helpful........but now it is me, myself, and I.......and it is in these simple moments that we realize our lot in life......last night I wished there was a baton to pass.......somebody to help me with any of it......"but if it is to be.....it is up to me".....so true right?.......so I just plugged along....am bleary eyed this morning.....and have to call out of work again.....which is also so stressful and I am trying to just accept what is.....that it is what it is......and that soon this wild and crazy school year will be in the rearview mirror and I will wonder how I survived.....all the sickness roaming around....all the variables necessary to keep my well oiled machine of life and single motherhood moving......all of it.....but for now sometimes it feels really overwhelming......because also over the weekend.....Madeline accidentally hit Gabe in the tooth with something and he has a slight chip in it......so again......another to do thing for me to figure out around work and all the rest......and I know it will get figured out......but........it all feels like a lot sometimes.....so all a girl can do.....is deeply breathe........focus on what she can control.......understand this is just a season of her life......and understand that I am infinitely blessed with all the resources and support I need to make all of this happen.....and I will focus on one challenge at a time.....and work toward solving one at a time......the stair not the staircase.......and carry my own baton all the way........each and every day.........
jperuso
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