So we did it.....the three of us stood in it all together.....My therapist and I talked about it all in the morning....my sharing what I was thinking, and him validating that that is what I should stay with.....so in the afternoon the kids and I sat down.....and as we talked the line was so fine between letting the reality and truth stand there in its nakedness, and offering up the perspective I have arrived at now.....and I winced some as the kids shared what they were thinking.....some anger bubbling up for them, and other powerful thoughts, and not understanding how such a thing could have happened.....it was then that I could offer up some wisdom about the fact that you cannot always help who you love sometimes, and that sometimes moms and dads outgrow one another and grow in separate ways......and that now I believe that their dad and his girlfriend are better suited for one another than he and I were anymore.....and how I will always care about their dad and what happens to him but that I am more than OK on this side of things, and that the peace in our household is something......I explored that part while allowing the other part be there.....I did not villainize him either, blaming all of it on him.....saying marriage is a two way street and there are challenges that come, and that we had challenges before that too.....wanting them to understand that people have adult problems, and it goes both ways, but not excusing the affair either....I made sure not to minimize it either....it was complicated territory....to let it all stand there and swirl....and pair it down into bite size pieces for the kids.......they definitely felt empathy for me in the knowing......I could see them become more aware of all I must have gone through now that the truth is here.....but they handled it pretty well.....Mads said she knew already, and was relieved that I finally told her......after her asking me 4 times point blank and my dodging it....she wanted to be heard and seen in it and she said it was the right thing to do....and she was glad I did.........I told her I did not want to lie to her about things as stuff comes up.....not wanting to share the adult parts, but not lie......I want her to trust me always......and as I said he had included his girlfriend in their lives from nearly day one anyway....so even if I wanted to not tell them, it is impossible.....a decision I had disagreed with intensely way back then, and one he fought for.....so here it is....the result of that decision......a reminder of the biggest lesson of surrender I have experienced on this walk......surrendering to what is.....not fighting it....and so I feel pretty good about it.....maybe relieved some too....and I expect it will bubble up as they process it more.....and I will be there for them as they do......this journey comes bearing milestones.....and ones you cannot expect or see coming sometimes....and when they get dumped on your lap.....you have to deal with it and embrace it.....and face it, and allow it to help you grow and move forward. ......a little bit each and every day......
jperuso
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