He should be ashamed of himself........I don't say this lightly or in a way that makes all that happened in our marriage his fault not mine......I take responsibility for all the places in our life together where I wish I had known better or done something differently.....but I always tried......that is true.......I am speaking to the things he has done to me in the end and what he continues to do to me......it is really unforgivable at times and pretty awful......and I am never sure where to put that part......hanging onto it in my day to day isn't really helpful or doesn't help move me forward in the ways I want....and ignoring it all and not acknowledging it it not quite right either.....so I spend so much time in this place of not knowing where to put this heartache.....and sometimes it pops up as it did the other day when I was speaking to a friend...........it would have been bad enough if he had fallen for another person and just left.....but our situation is far from clean lined like that.......there was so much deceptive cruelty and appalling treatment of me before and after he left that it is hard to reconcile.......and when it pops up which it does from time to time I have no choice but to look at it.....tell myself the truth about it and know that a part of him exists that is really disloyal and really unkind.....and sometimes feels heartless.......and that is tough.........because I never believed that to be true all these years.......and again I am never seeing what he goes through on his end......at least not often......but to be able to have done the things he has done that must be true to some degree......and as humans we are not all one way.....we have pieces of ourselves that step forward and win in our day to day.......pieces of us that become how we show up in this life.....and he is most definitely choosing to allow some parts of him to show up that he really shouldn't be........and still because I believe in the inherent good in people I find myself making excuses in my mind for some of the things he has done or spinning it to make more sense.....to have it not be so awful.......or not so bad.......and the truth is it is that bad......he had a choice of how he was going to behave after he left......and he could have chosen kindness......compassion.......decency........and he didn't........he chose what would appease his current situation......and he will have to live with that all of his days......and sometimes I wonder how he will be able to after the dust settles and the lies he tells himself evaporate......and he has nothing left but the stark reality staring him down.......I wonder.....and I would not even write about this if some of the things were not so bad and hurt me so deeply......but they were......and I am respecting the situation in terms of not calling them out in ugly detail.....but trust me when I say they cut me deeply.......I am fortunate that much of what he chooses now doesn't hurt me anymore......and he doesn't have that power in my life anymore.......I have lost the majority of the respect I held for him in this life........and I am not sure he can ever regain that from me.......so now it will just be the business of healing the wounds that exist.....and I still yearn for the opportunity to say the things I need to to him......for him to hear me......to understand me.......to know how his actions have affected my life and my heart.....and the jury is definitely still out as to whether that will ever happen in this life.....I never lose hope that it will.....that it must for us to move on in a real way, in our new relationship as co parents to our children......and perhaps if he is brave enough to have that conversation with me.....it will help him heal his shame and grief too.......just maybe........
jperuso
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