My kids are struggling some.....both of them....... with the divorce and their dad not being here......wanting us to be all together......missing him........wanting things to be the way it was, all of it......Gabe is wanting to talk to somebody......to try and make them understand his plight......I offer space for him to do that, but I can see some franticness in him, really struggling to articulate what is in his heart......what he is feeling......and Mads is most definitely having separation anxiety......crying when she leaves, and then crying when her dad drops her off, at the missing of our life too.....and it is so challenging for them.....and breaks my heart.....and challenging for me to bear witness to........I cannot change it.....and like I have said.......even if I could, I wouldn't......I have to live in the understanding that our splitting was meant to be.....meant to be a part of my life......all of our lives.....but know that it is a source of pain for my children on repeat......it is not a spot that I wish on anybody........and it occurred to me that maybe their grief is amping up around the time of year.....He left in January, two years ago.....so the holidays bring back some of that for me too, and maybe my kids have that subtle body clock reminder too.......wishing that their dad could live here, and be in their lives in their day to day.......and I often think of the price he paid in all of that......one I couldn't pay......my kids are my life......no question about it......they have saved me over and over in this story.....giving me the will and drive to persist......when I didn't want to....inspiring me to tie my hiking sneakers and hit the woods, when all I really wanted to do was stay in bed......or stare at a wall......but their presence here.......in my day to day.....has been wildly healing and motivating......propelling me forward......helping me fake it till I made it......and now they are both suffering in ways that are challenging to fix.....I am going to work on the solution for it.....and try and locate resources, and help for them both......and continue to give them the room to speak their hearts and minds.....and share how they are feeling......Mads held her tears in, till after her dad left the other night....concerned about making him feel bad.....and she is so sweet like that.....but I told her it is more than OK for her to be honest with her dad about how she is feeling......that he cares how she feels......they are both wrestling these big feelings right now, and I am committed to being here for them......every single day......giving them a safe place to share their hearts with me......and do my very best to soothe it for them........if you are reading this, send some extra prayers for them and their precious hearts.......we will conquer this chapter too.....it is just a part of the journey, for us all.....and I am trusting like the rest, there will be another side of this too.......
jperuso
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