I feel like that may have been true most of my life......feeling like I was the strong one in every circle I ran in......feeling the weight and duty of keeping it all together, not letting anything get too out of control in any direction......I actually don't remember a time that I haven't felt like the strong one.....and I most certainly was in my marriage.....the stronger one in all emotional territory......grit.....doing what it took, to do what needed to be done....not giving into myself.....doing what needed to be done at every turn regardless of how I "felt" about it.......what I can say about strength is this......it is most definitely a double edged sword.....the confidence and steadiness that comes with knowing that you can withstand whatever comes your way is priceless truly......my addiction......I have faith that I can endure in the storms of my life, I never doubt that......but it also comes with a price......a heavy one.....when you are the strong one the people in your life don't think you need a thing.....that you got it.....so support at times doesn't come as readily as it does to somebody that is viewed as needing it.....and that is hard sometimes and most definitely inside of a marriage.....I don't think he thought I needed anything from him......that I came bearing all the stuff I needed to survive the day to day, within the walls of myself......therefore as I grew in strength over the years, his support of me in every way grew less......and part of it was my fault too.....I tend to rely heavily on my own stuff and sometimes I am certain it makes others feel left out in the cold.....shut out.....and it is never my intention.....it has just been a survival mechanism for as long as I remember......I am not sure I would even really know how to be fully vulnerable with another human.....and that is the truth.......trusting that they would pick up anything that fell......and it is something I am working on......examining it and trying to find balance.....I am not good at asking for help, and truthfully don't often feel I need it.....which is likely not healthy either.....and I think he wanted to feel needed......needed by somebody.....maybe by her......because he likely felt that I didn't......and I don't excuse his behavior at all, and I am not taking full responsibility by any means for what has happened, just mindful of my role in things.....the problem is I could never need him because he was too busy needing things from me......I clearly felt depleted by loving him, the difference in how I feel these days versus then is startling, and I never could seem to pour enough in to quench his need......and sometimes I am not sure I showed up either in the ways he wanted......feeling like I was doing what he needed but maybe part of it was having a more vulnerable wife.....one that wasn't so strong....that is what he said the night he left.....that I have always been so strong, and it has always made him feel weak, and that she doesn't make him feel like that......hard to even respond to that right? Should I apologize for my strength? The strength that is going to pick me up off the floor when you leave, not hardly? I most definitely do not want a partner that resents my strength but one that admires it..... I have needed every single bit of strength in me to survive the aftermath of it....every drop....and it was the only thing I have been through to date that I thought may break me......and to have my strength being held against me.....doesn't seem fair somehow......that strength served us well in our marriage and our lives together.....so as I said double edged sword.....something to be mindful of moving forward......more balance maybe in it.....learning how to let go a little more......ask for help......be more vulnerable in my relationships.......express that I need stuff too......new territory.......work yet to be done if I am going to love and be loved well in the future:)
jperuso
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