I think the hardest part of this is the lack of recognition I see in him.......the loss of who he was in every single way........it would have been challenging enough if I just lost my marriage and family and it ended, but my communication with my children's father could have some semblance of normalcy.......or some productive nature related to it.........but the guy I knew has vanished.....literally into thin air.......on that Thursday night........I have only seen glimpses of him since......but only when we are face to face and he cannot hide from me.......his better parts step forward then........but to be put into a position to have no access to a person at all......one that I sorta need to for many reasons, reasons that don't have to do with us being together is still mind blowing to me.......it shows me how powerful darkness can be in somebody...........darker than I ever imagined.........and how powerful the influences we choose to have in our life can be......he has succumbed to all of that.....to himself.....to her.......to darkness to all of it............and all at the price of his goodness, his decency and his children...........and I will never be able to reconcile that mystery.......not ever..........I cannot even describe the pain and suffering it causes to have your person of twenty years be body snatched.........turned into somebody that may has well be somebody you pass on the street........the familiarity is the same......he has walled off his goodness......walled off his feelings......just running and dodging anything that makes him feel too much about too much........and left the three of us here to scratch our heads......he does a little better with the kids........sometimes.......but I can see the same confusion in them.....what happened to OUR dad??????? Where did he go?????? Why.......just why mom........is he not who we recognize either???? The transformation was truly instant......it occurred the moment he stepped foot out the door.........and lost himself.........the influence he had chosen the moment he stepped out is a strong one.......bent on destruction.......on unhealthy games....... on misery and suffering......... and it has swallowed him whole........he has fallen right in line........I am not sure this will be a long chapter in his story......not sure how it could be when it is so poisonous..........but when he wakes from the stupor........the reality will be so so hard for him to swallow.........not sure how he will ever be able to see the light of day again.......to stand in the sunshine and be his best self again......for his children........for the greater good.......for his best interest.........it will be a brave act if he can ever muster it.............but none of that is my business in the real sense.......my business is to protect my kids from the darkness........whenever I am able.......to help them live in light........to help them learn to make peace with their dad at the moment.......to heal.........to grow..........to live our truth..........I hold out hope.......somewhere in my heart that I will get to see him again.......the real him.......and have the conversation that looms between us.........I really do........but if he never returns...........I have accepted that too........
jperuso
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