The startling reality.........

Sometimes I can tell myself that there is peace between he and I......that maybe we have turned a corner.......despite it all..........and that if I remain up above it and kind and compassionate at every turn, it will be mirrored, or will make a difference in the long term somehow......and I guess it is partially true.....it makes a difference to me.....to my peace and my sanity, and for my kids......it will make a difference all their lives......that their mom didn't descend into bitterness and anger toward their dad.......that she only spoke highly of him and supported his relationship with them........no matter what.........but I am reminded in a moment that he is not willing to play his part in return........not even close.....and when it feels as if we have some calm between us, it is a mirage........ it is only because I am not saying what needs to be said, or addressing what needs to be addressed.....treading lightly.......and as soon as I do address something that needs to be.........draw a boundary in the sand........he will turn on me.......despite any evidence I have witnessed in person to the contrary......and I cannot even begin to tell you how that FEELS.....never mind the intellectual and rational part that tells me it is not my storm.....it is deflection......it is his stuff ALL DAY LONG......I know that clearly and I understand it, and have had it validated by all sorts of people and places......that notion or understanding doesn't kill the pain of it.......the continued betrayal of lashing out at me......when I don't deserve it or when it is not warranted in any way......because I put some truth up for him to look at.....become a mirror to his stuff......which always evokes anger and rage......instead of self reflection and ownership........never ownership..........and it is such a hard thing to endure over and over......and you would think I would be used to it.....and I suppose to some degree I am......my skin is way thicker......I am tougher.......I am not so deeply or easily upset by him or anything he does anymore......but it still gets in.......it gets in.......because this man......the one he has become......is absolutely unrecognizable to me......in every single way.......and I would venture to say he is unrecognizable to himself......which is where the defensive and angry nature comes from......but it doesn't excuse it or make it more palatable......in any way.......and it is in these moments......that I am reminded that our treatment of others.......cannot be dependent upon the treatment we receive by them in return.....it just can't.......it is up to us to decide how we are going to behave......and continue extending olive branches when we can, despite them not being received.....and lashing out and joining another in their pain and suffering doesn't serve the greater good.....certainly not our greater good......so at each turn we have to be true to ourselves.......and keep showing up to do what feels right, and what seems like the right thing......standing in our light......not descending into darkness............."turning the other cheek"........is difficult......and requires much of me.....and I hope one day it won't......that it will grow like a muscle and become easier for me at every turn.....and I guess maybe it already has.......it is way easier than it was in the beginning...........because the alternative would be for me to lower myself......and I just won't do that, for many reasons.......and despite it all.......there is still compassion that steps forward in me......feeling compassion for the spiral that is occurring.....and watching it brings me no joy......no happiness.......I don't revel in watching it all fall apart for him......but I am aware that the decisions and choices he is choosing.......still.........will carry even more consequences in his life all of his days.......and I guess most days I just wish he would stop choosing those things.......I just do........as if I can see what is ahead and how it will affect him and our kids for life..........but the only thing I can focus on is me.......and my choices......and living more consciously.......allows us to CHOOSE......instead of REACT.......and it is a noble endeavor......each and every day.......one I am 100 percent committed to......no matter what........