I recently wrote about the night he left......and the deafening silence he left behind for me to fill.....he got to drive away and drive to a house where the space was filled.......a substitute wife provided.......not even feeling the space for one night.......climbing from my bed to hers......but for me it had been 20 years of my life......with him in it.......with my life joined with another human........somebody to eat with......somebody to check in every day with.....somebody to drink coffee with......laugh with......sleep with.......raise my kids with.......all the things with......then gone on a Thursday night after dinner.....and soon after he left I turned the music on and have never turned it off......it goes on when I get up......and stays on till I leave for work.....back on in the car.........and it goes back on when I walk through the door from work........... and stays on till bed......and it was an instinct I suppose......a way to fill that space.......a healthy way....bringing no harm to myself or my kids......and it has had a curious effect......as I do not really watch any TV or Netflix anymore.......only a handful of times.......I prefer music......reading.....scrolling......hanging with my kids......you get the idea.....and I was reading recently about the healing power of music......that certain hertz numbers are responsible for healing our chakras and the spaces in us that need to be healed???? Kinda cool to think of........that perhaps more than just filling a space I desperately needed to fill.....it also has served as another piece that has healed my soul.......and it is such a joyful part of my day.....it saved me.......I feel like there were a few things that absolutely did......having a handful of people I could call and reach out to on repeat in those early days......filling that space was more helpful than I can even articulate and most definitely saved me.......my blog has saved me.......giving my pain a voice........music saved me.......soothing my wounded soul........beginning to workout harder.....running.......realizing I had to get out of my head and into my body.......staying in my head all the time wasn't going to bring me where I needed to be......and I filled the space with all of these things and not only did I learn to love them.......but they helped me love myself better......I have always loved music....it has always touched the deepest parts of me......but my affinity for it these days is deeper......it is survival.....it feels necessary.......like it holds magic......it is playing beside me as I type this:) and I just feel so grateful that God and the Universe sent me the inclination to put these things into my life......the things that would change my life......they were such a gift to me.......such a precious gift and they helped me fill the space of him......and helped me do it well enough and long enough that I learned that I don't miss him......I don't need him in this life.......that it was time for us to part ways.......I don't really NEED anything......I just NEED to be authentic and ME.......each and every day.......and that is what I am committed to doing every single day.......while the music plays:)
jperuso
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