I haven't written about this in awhile but it is still here.......the shock and awe and absolute disbelief at how this story ended......and the aftermath that has unfolded.....and even when I can try and think of explanations or theories and even when they are confirmed by professionals.......it still doesn't make that shock and awe go away......and maybe it won't.....not ever.....maybe I have to learn to live with it......it does get less as the memory of my life with him fades......becomes hazy......like a dream.......when you wake up and can remember it vividly but as the day unfolds or time marches on, it becomes more challenging to remember the details......that is sort of how I feel.........but then in one moment.....something will cause me to remember something and feel the stab of shock and awe......and just wonder how could he? how could he to ME?.......crazy how that is......but so so true......something brought it up the other day and it took my breath away again.....even though I know all the things.....all the truths behind the lies.......but yet......it doesn't tame that shock and awe......and sometimes I do think the thing I struggle with the most is just that I would not be capable of it....and I don't say that from a place of judgement......like I am better than anybody.....or that I am perfect......but just from an honest place.....the things he did to me and did as he has been gone.......are just not things I have in me.......and what the shock and awe says to me is that you didn't think he was either Jenn? You never dreamed he could do________ or__________not ever........so where do I put that......that is the question that goes round and round......when you feel that deep betrayal by "your person".....a person you once trusted with all your heart it never leaves I guess......it just finds a place to lie down.......to get quieter.....to not be so front seat in your story......and there have been times that I have seen his shock at himself.......very clearly on his face.....and I wonder what he does with that awareness.....where does he put it......where does it go in him.....there has been a great debate as to whether any awareness has come to him or not.....does he really know......And just shove it all down.......some days I stand on either side of the debate.....depending on what I think I have seen or what I think is true.......but the truth is I don't know.......and I may never know.....and that is the challenge.....one that I have to remind myself......you can't know somebody's heart.....especially when they no longer show it to you.....you can only surmise......and conjecture your way through your experience with them...and ultimately what I always know is that it doesn't matter in a real way whether he knows or he doesn't.......the damage is done......and his awareness won't change the reality.....so I am not sure why it matters to me sometimes to know that he knows? but that shock and awe y'all........it is powerful......and I wrestle with it the most above any other challenge I have faced......I think it is also when you love another human.....and see them through that love......and it shatters so completely......it is hard to accept that that may have been a reflection of your love.....not theirs....like a mirage in the desert.......oofff......right? Hard to say......and I may never get the answers I seek or be able to fully put this shock and awe to bed......but it is always my goal......but each time it surfaces from the deep blue sea for me to look at......I listen to it......I give it compassion......I acknowledge its validity.....and then I let it pass on through and sink to the depths.......till it surfaces again........
jperuso
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