I had an interesting text conversation last night that made me think of this.....and I found it really deeply fascinating.....I have spoken in my blog many times about how I have changed....and I know that I have......and that really there was no choice for that to happen.....I could not remain the old me in the aftermath of what had happened....a part of me dying and a new part of me being a part of my rebirth if you will.....I know that is a dramatic term.....but it truly feels that way to me most days.......the conversation centered around identity.....and it kind of clicked in my mind to think that what I have been shedding, and the parts of me that have been changing the most, are my parts as a woman in this world.....I have been shedding my "wife" part......our identities, are so wrapped up in the roles we play.....and I think especially for women that is true......we wear many hats normally, and play many parts for many people......and in my old life......I played the role of wife and mother to the best of my ability.......the mother part always fulfilling me.....but the wife part becoming more and more challenging during the last years of my marriage.....and in turn that role was really suffocating me......it was completely changing my personality.....I felt so so old.....so tired......so dull......even irritable at times......not knowing what was causing me to feel that way......just feeling it deeply.....and I wasn't happy for sure.....and I did not realize it at the time.....so I mostly dove into my motherhood role to make me feel happy......to find joy......to fill the spaces......and it worked for a long time......but I was losing myself in my role as a wife....and as I had this conversation last night it became really obvious to me....and sort of profoundly so......that I have been shedding my "inner wife" for these past two years.....and picking up pieces of the new single woman I am.......adjusting my identity......exploring new parts of myself......maybe slightly edgier ones;-) deciding I don't want to be defined by a box.....or stifled by the confines of a role that is dictated to me.....but one that I acclimate to and decide how I want to show up in......being a single woman.....I have to say......after being that tired and depleted wife......is kinda fun;-) it feels alive.....and light......and fun.....and exciting.........and so I suppose I say all of this to have you think of your own identity in your own life......does is suit you anymore??? Does it feel like you? Do you see yourself in any of it anymore? There was a time at the end of my marriage, where I was trying to exercise and change some things.....and I was taking pictures to motivate myself and the woman staring back at me in the mirror, was a woman I no longer recognized......a shell of who she once had been......broken down and sad.....and in survival mode.......so I suppose one way to know is to start exploring stuff that makes you feel alive and awake......lit up.......things that feel like YOU........not stuff that feels like it is a duty to everybody else......in the end of my marriage I only got to get in touch with the core things of Jenn and the real me......once in awhile.....and then I would remember......but the rest would take me over......and as I have shed her.......and uncovered the deeper parts of her......the parts that make up HER.......like the REAL her.....it has been such a worthwhile process......and a fun one.....I learn something new about myself often now....even at nearly 47;-) and certainly I am not the same mother to my children either......and in many ways I feel like a better one......a more patient one......calmer......happier......more peaceful......more fun......more joyful and adventurous.......and Mads tells me all the time she feels the safest with me, and I am her favorite person, and Gabe always prefers to be with his mama too and tells me all the time how much he loves me.....so I guess I am doing something right???......I wonder if they grieve the mother they lost sometimes though.......if they will remember the shedding too......or if it was gradual enough from their perspective it won't seem like loss???? I guess it is hard to say......I look forward to deeply listening to their perspective and experience in all of this some day.......but for myself.....the shedding was absolutely necessary......surrendering and taking off an entire role in my life......laying down my wifely parts.....and picking up other ones.....and it was interesting to think of........I look forward to discovering more and more layers of this woman......and continuing to honor her, and her truth every single day:)
jperuso
Kommentare