Yesterday was gorgeous right??! I ended up mowing and doing some yard work, and some stuff around my place while the kids enjoyed the sunshine! Mads got to use our water slide so she was stoked, and Gabe went worm hunting.....an activity he has loved since he discovered it lol:) And I finally decided to tackle something that was long overdue.....and I have had that experience in this story, where I finally handle something that is now so far obsolete due to my divorce, and the waiting to handle it, isn't intentional it just is.....I will give you an example.....I had pictures I had taken when he and I had gone on a long weekend to the finger lakes.....we had stayed at this amazing place, and had the greatest weekend....so the pictures I had taken matched my weird 90s bathroom vibe lol:) and I had them blown up and hanging in the bathroom.....and I finally got around to getting new pictures to replace them only a couple a months ago.....not because I still wanted them there......it just was one of those things.....so yesterday I tackled something I should have tackled a long time ago.....maybe the day after he left....during his affair and my knowing about it, we were working through our stuff, or so I thought....and at one point, for a reason I am still unsure of......he had painted a big red heart on the inside of the shed door......saying it was for me and there was a romantic gesture attached.....and after he left and I learned of the deception.....and the level of it.....and that the affair had never ended, despite my believing that it had......the "shed heart" became a visual representation of that.....of his ability to deceive me, and lie, and all the hurt surrounding all of it....and each time I entered the shed there it was.....and he too had to face it one day when he was here in the beginning grabbing his stuff.....and I am not sure why I left it....the sting of it definitely was gone pretty early on, and it had faded into the background of my life.....so yesterday all of the sudden it became important to paint over it.....like super important......I went to the garage and found a spray paint that worked and just painted over it.....Mads had a small moment, commenting on the fact that daddy painted that heart....I wasn't even sure she knew that to be honest , she was so young when he left....but she has a pretty solid memory....so I just gently told her it was time to paint over it....and she seemed to accept it, and went about watersliding.....and now the heart is gone.....another piece of this story....gone....and here is the thing....I believe we can change our minds about stuff....evolve in our beliefs and take on stuff......and life has shown me since he has been gone some things.....I can forgive and now understand his pull toward his girlfriend.....falling for her.....and not being able to maybe help it some....it becoming super powerful for him.......and that she was absolutely supposed to be a part of his journey.....a character in his story.....and stepping forward to fulfill her role.....I truly believe that now.....this was meant to be completely......but it is the shed heart stuff that I have never been able to abide.....at least not yet......the intentional deception, or acts that took place to throw me off the trail.....those things did not need to be, and are the things that caused so much of the hurt.....it wasn't his affair that hurt me the most....although obviously that was painful.....it was the dishonesty, betrayal, and deception......having your person lie endlessly to you......and so easily......so that heart represented that for me.....and now it is gone.....I have accepted what has happened with my whole heart.....truly......would never want my old life back....not ever.....even for my kids.....I know fully our journeys were meant to be this way.....and as I journey that involves moving past those trauma bits.....those hurtful memories......the ghosts that swirl around sometimes......and I do.......and I am up today, glad the shed heart part of this story is done.....for good......once and for all! Feels so good! Enjoy the day y'all:)
jperuso
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