This came to me as I was driving home......obviously I have written about how this time of year dredges up extra grief......coming close to the time of year when it all happened.....and our bodies remember.....they just do, even when we don't want them to.......and I was thinking some on my once upon a time life......a life I was so proud of.......showing it all, and reveling in it......appreciating it.......wanting it........wanting our little family to endure......the one we had created......and the ugliness that has ensued on the other side of that life is kinda hard to believe.......hard for me to stomach most days.........and it got me thinking about a snow globe.......how we gaze into them.....admiring their intricate parts......watching the snow fall down......and how delicate the scenes often are.......captured in one moment.......and I guess I felt like my life was like that.......despite the challenges my marriage carried in the end......I meant it......I meant every word I ever said about my life......every post I shared about that life.......every word I had spoken to anybody about my life......all of it......and now I stare at the broken pieces of that snow globe.......lying on the ground........unrecognizable......no more magical snow floating......just little plastic pieces pretending to be snow.......no beautiful lighted water.....just water spilled on the floor......you get the idea.......and I struggle endlessly to not leave the entirety of 20 years in that dirty little puddle on the floor.......in the mess of broken plastic or glass........because it wasn't always like that.....the last couple of years clouding it all.....muddying the waters......coloring my feelings.......sometimes I wish I could time machine back.......to see if my perception of some other times were accurate......but I suppose it doesn't matter.......because I was thinking again of my ability to see the world through that snow globe......to focus on the beauty.......overlook the flawed plastic snowman......and see the entire scene taking hold........and it never comes from a place of deception......or lying to myself........even though it does take me a long time to see the truth of somebody sometimes......however that is not so much the case now......my radar sharp........my intuition sharper.......all of that........but I imagine when I do meet somebody, I will have to fight snow globe syndrome;-) Staying honest and accurate in my assessment........while still allowing the beauty to swirl around......taking a stroll through some beautiful place.........I grieve for my shattered snow globe.......the ruins of my family.......lying on the floor.......and I likely always will I suppose...........those shattered pieces........in stark contrast from the life I wanted to live.......the one I thought I was living.......the one I set out to live........so now I get to create a new one.......a much more authentic snow globe.......made of the real stuff......TRUE things.....made of honest things, loving things, beautiful things......and I get to protect it and nurture it and trust that it is in good hands.........always
jperuso
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