Yesterday I had to take off, my mom had an appointment. We ran an errand and returned and Gabe asked Madeline to play ball with him. She happily obliged, I love the relationship they have with one another. They are true buddies. As I sat there listening to them laugh and fool around while playing ball, it was truly music to my ears. Not all that long ago I watched them in all their devastation. It was truly one of the most painful parts of all of this. Watching their pain only made mine more excruciating.......it was horrible to watch them suffer so.......and not be able to do anything to change it. The only thing I could do was support them and allow them to feel whatever they were feeling at any given point. I tried to honor and validate their feelings whenever they came. Giving them an audience to cry, talk, or say whatever they needed to. As time as inched along and I have found my way so have they........I often wonder what they really think about all that has happened.....what goes on in their internal dialogue. I think Gabe is just so confused by it all. Not understanding how anybody could not want to be with their family??? I am with him on that.......and he has said as much.......so he spends a lot of time missing his dad and wondering if there is some way to solve it or fix it. Thinking that maybe this is temporary and his dad can return one day........... I think for Madeline it is more complicated than that.......she was her dad'd right hand girl. A daddy's girl through and through and in an instant she lost her sidekick.......I have seen her try and understand this new version of her dad..........reconcile who he now is to her and what he is capable of offering to her and adjusting her expectations.......she was very confused initially also wondering what was going on.......as we all were........but I think there is a level of acceptance that has found her heart.......I think she knows that she cannot expect the same things from her dad anymore, she just can't..........he isn't capable of giving her the things he once did and I think she understands that fact. She and I have always had a special mother daughter bond, during Covid that bond strengthened in lots of beautiful ways, and now forget it, we are about as tight as they come......she is my shadow, and I think our relationship makes her feel anchored and safe in all the ways she needs to...........she sleeps with me every night, she has since he left.......and she can as long as she needs to........and in watching their evolution, I too am reminded that nothing lasts forever in grief, not even for them.......it is fluid waxing and waning........I don't think this will define their lives but it will definitely leave an imprint that will stay with the both of them forever.......cast a color over their lives that wouldn't have been there otherwise......their first traumatic blow........however .the gift I can give to them is to have them grow up in a happy and peaceful home where they are fiercely loved each and every day........and continue to create a space where their grief is honored and heard...........
jperuso
Comments