This is a tough one.......for awhile after he left I kept trying to make him see.......see that they were suffering and what I felt he needed to do......and it was to no avail......like banging my head on concrete......causing me to bleed more......to suffer more..........but seeming to not affect him at all.......so I stopped......realizing that it is not my business if he fails our children......which he most certainly has since he left that Thursday night........failed them in every single way........except for paying his child support.........realizing I had to let it go...........tonight I saw a picture of him........with his girlfriend and her daughter at her daughter's graduation........as if they are a family unit.......meanwhile I have stood by and watched him make barely any effort to see his own children??.......not follow our agreement to see them.........just avoiding them at all cost and trying his best to not have to see me............a tough pill to swallow indeed.......and it made me cry for the first time in awhile.....not for me.......I am free and much better off.......but for my sweet children.......as if they have been discarded and forgotten......like some old toys........and that Facetiming them every other day is sufficient enough for them.......good enough.........while he sees another woman's children daily..........and while he is subject to his free will, and is certainly to blame for what he is doing......... a good portion of it stems from placating her.......making her feel more comfortable at the expense of his children.......it is just unbelievably wrong and unfair in every way to my sweet kids.........I also think it is wildly painful for him to be in the presence of all of us.........hurts him too deeply so he avoids it...........I already see it in him that he knows he made an enormous mistake and is now stuck in it............the blessing is that I can say that my kids have come to some acceptance......they know they cannot expect the same things from him that they once did......that he is broken in some way........incapable of giving them what they need.......so they have stopped seeking it from him........this helps........helps make me be able to stand it........because for the longest time they did not......and that is what caused me to keep trying to reach him and cut myself all up in the process........like climbing on barbed wire fence for them to help their dad see.......and it was totally futile.......he is lost in some dysfunctional brainwashed fog.......that gets more startling by the day truly........so hard to watch........so impossible to understand or wrap my head around......like how can this be the same man?????? how can he stand to not see his children??????? OUR CHILDREN.......... how can he??????? yeah no answers.......just ENDLESS questions.........but anytime I start to spiral into all of that.......I catch myself before I fall too far......and I understand that whatever dad he is choosing to be is his choice...........not mine.....and that the only thing I can do is be the best mom I can be for them.......to try like hell to make up for his deficits somehow for them.......try and make them feel double the love pouring from me.......make them understand they are fiercely loved and the greatest part of my life each and every day.......I tell them every day I am grateful for them.......that I am so lucky that I get to live with them......that there is no other place I would rather be.........and that I am crazy about them.......I hope if they hear it enough...........it will help to make up for their dad's disappearing act......and my prayer is always that his heart finds his way back to them......back to his goodness to himself...........that he fights through the darkness and his brokenness and fights the good fight once again........somehow........some way........hope is fading sometimes for me......but hope is always alive in my heart........always........and will remain there.........
jperuso
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