SO so much of this has been clear, clear in ways I did not expect......clear in ways that still shock me.....as if somebody is whispering in my ear at every turn helping me chart my path......but there are some parts that I simply don't have answers to......and maybe won't ever......hard to say.......like will I ever watch my wedding video again? Like OOFFF......OUCH........one of my favorite days now turned to you know what.......going down in flames......and what do I do with my wedding album?? Like what do you do with that stuff??? My engagement ring and wedding ring I am saving to do something for Madeline one day.....something that is meaningful and makes sense......that feels right......what do I do with other memorabilia I have saved all these years? Nick and Jenn memories and stuff......... All great questions right?......NO easy answers.......my wedding dress decision was clear.......burning it made perfect sense.......not hard in any of the ways I imagined...........but these other things are more complicated......feel heavier......like what would happen to me if I pressed play on my wedding video......would I shatter into a million pieces?.......hard to say?......I want to think I have healed to a certain place where the answer is no......but I wouldn't know for sure until I did it......and truth is I am not sure I ever want to do it.....and maybe I won't.......maybe Madeline and Gabe will inherit the wedding video......and the times I have watched it and watched it again in this life are forever over.....maybe..........I don't think you can measure your healing in a quantitative way.....or in a way that allows you to compare your journey to another persons.......I have had some strange feedback on mine at certain points.....some that made me scratch my head.....I am always interested though in how my communication of my story is hitting people.....what interpretation they are gaining and if it is in line with my experience....or with how I want to convey my experience? I recently had a sort of shot come my way......from somebody I don't really know......a passing interaction in the course of life....and they were acting as if my trajectory through this is not normal and so not the norm that is expected?.....and it was conveyed in a bitter way? and I find it weird that anybody would have the need to even say that? It was a person that had been through the same journey and still feels very deep in it after a few years.....and I honor that reality......it is all valid, but I make no apologies for not being in that spot too at the moment? Apologizing for being further along in a shorter time? I do a lot of work to try and do that.....and in case I am unclear I will never be OVER this in a way where it won't be a part of me forever......but I am CHOOSING to not give any more years of my life over to it.....I get to choose that......and I am.......so it is interesting to see my healing mirrored in other people's eyes........ As if there is some barometer or "norm" .......which there most definitely isn't......healing is so individual......one thing that maybe isn't always clear to people looking in on my walk is the fact that I have had three years to begin to let him go......before he actually left.......my grief for my marriage did not begin in January......it began the moment I found out he was having an affair......three years ago.....and I did the work in therapy the past three years.....the work I thought we were both doing to move forward, I actually did all that work to move me in a forward direction and send me well on my to healing.......so all those pieces contributed to where I find myself 11 months in....and the daily choices I make to try and prioritize my healing.......I am determined to heal as much of it as I can......and be as whole as I can for the rest of my life.....that is my mission.....and I am committed to that.......with my whole heart and soul.....and each day I set out with that intention guiding me......to do all the things I can to patch myself up.......heal my wounds and find all the treasures in this life that I seek:). So I suppose if my wedding album and video remains in a closet forever, no real decisions ever being made about them, then so be it.....perhaps a decision doesn't even need to be made......just let it lie.......or more likely I will know......when and if that time comes......I will know the answers to those questions too......trusting this journey is part of the journey.....trusting what comes up for me and what goes......and moving forward each and every day:)
jperuso
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