Since he left I dream of him fairly often.......it is one of the hardest parts for me.....the dreams feel super real, as if they happened and stay with me long after I awake.....but recently my subconscious has been trying to work out all the things I feel I so desperately need to, when he and I have these visits in my dreams........I wonder if he dreams of me too.......20 years is a long time........when I dream of him I am trying to get answers to the same questions that seem to plague me overall.......Do you miss me?........ Do you love me? and I am not sure why it is so important to me, for me to try so desperately to get these answers but it must be......because I have dreamt of it often......sometimes I dream long enough to get the answers I seek.....and his answers make me feel better.......and sometimes like last night I ask him on the phone, and the phone goes dead before he can answer.......and I have seen some evidence when I see him that the answer to both of those questions is yes..........when we are face to face.......no other influences affecting our lives, a moment in time.....that belongs to us.........but I have yet to ask them in that space and don't think the time is right...........the other question I would ask him is........Was it worth it?........was what you have gotten since you left worth more than you lost.......more than what you gave up........and maybe in the asking of all of this it is futile really......like perhaps the biggest waste of all........I mean there is no going back in my mind, no way to put my marriage back together........so what will knowing he misses me......or loves me........or regrets what he has done......really going to do? I ask myself that often......what is my goal in getting those answers.......and I think it falls in line with the same part of me wanting to have a conversation with him that sits better than the one we have had so far.......want the opportunity to hear the things and lay it to rest.......I mean clearly he did not love me in a way that I needed to be loved if he did what he did......that I know.......I don't need to ask......but part of me understands it is not that simple......people love in the capacity they are able, and hurt those they love from their brokenness.......it is not always so black and white......and I keep waiting for it to not be important to me anymore.....for my soul to get over that part......and yet the dreams keep coming.......the dreams are nice in a way.....they satisfy the need I so desperately have to communicate the real stuff with him.....to have real conversation......address the elephant that stands between us in the day to day......but I never get the full satisfaction......only bits and pieces addressed.....I yearn for so many answers.....so many things......that I feel owed somehow after sharing a life.......yet I am wise enough to know we are owed nothing in this life.......it is an illusion to believe otherwise.....and by trusting the journey all will come to me that is meant for me......including that conversation I seek.......in the meantime I will meet him in my dreams.......and work out what we need to..........until my soul feels satisfied.........
jperuso
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