I know awhile back I promised to write more about me than him......I think I have kept that promise overall.....but I also am committed to whatever comes up.....and well this did and does on repeat.....Somebody shared some information about something he did the other night, something that was heartless in a lot of ways......and as much as I have seen with my own eyes too.......it never becomes less shocking.....and makes me really wonder if I knew who he was at all......the real him.......and some days I just don't think I did.......I think the man I loved was the reflection of the love I carried for him......a figment of my imagination......a man living in a role I had created, and he stepped into.......maybe one that didn't exist?????.......and that makes me feel things that are hard to describe.....I always held onto the fact that he was inherently good and just had lost his way......and I hope that is still true.....but it gets less and less plausible as I watch the actions he chooses......my excuses for him just don't hold water......and sometimes it is just so hard to believe to me.......believe that the once upon a time guy could now be this guy.....and because the difference is so alarming it makes it hard to believe that this guy wasn't here all along......covered up by once upon a time......like wearing some kind of costume and mask......and it is so hard to reconcile.......I cannot even describe it truly......to just watch somebody give into things that are just so shocking and out of character for what you thought you knew to be true about them.......as I have said before I too have changed.....a lot.......but I am still me.......the core of me is the same......the things I believe in.....cherish.....my moral compass......all of it still here........I don't see any of those things anymore in him.....no recognition of anything I once believed I knew......and it was my life......for 20 years!!!! And it is now a mystery.......one I cannot articulate or understand fully....one that is so confusing.....and difficult to process.......although in speaking to somebody else traveling my road.......I was reminded that a part of me is lucky......truly lucky.....because by being given the opportunity to really SEE him finally......in the light in which he wants to be seen.......I have had a much easier time letting go......I don't see my love light in him anymore......not even a glimmer......and the way he treats me helps me recover and move on with an ease that would not be present if he were still wearing the costume.....the costume and mask would have complicated it for me.......tugged at my tender heart.......made it harder to let go.......and now that I have SEEN him clearly.......I will never UNSEE......not ever......so there is no danger in that space either.......so the question of whether or not I ever truly knew him at all........or if he truly ever knew himself........plays on repeat......the things he was capable of.....the things he continues to be capable of.....all of it.....like who were you????? Or who are you????? really......like deep down in the depths of your soul.......hope there is a day when the shock and awe dissipates for good......doesn't bubble up anymore, not ever.......maybe it always will visit me.....as a reminder......a reminder of the freedom I was granted in this life......the freedom I have found in the letting go.....in the freefall......in the finding my wings.......and seeing him without his mask and costume on....indeed makes it all much easier......it really does.......he is not my guy.....I guess I just wonder how long he hasn't been my guy, or if he ever was at all...........
jperuso
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