It is one Madeline asks......and I thought it was over, that maybe she was past it and I wouldn't have to answer it again.......because each time I have to, I die a little bit inside.......it is excruciating to look into her little face and answer it.........but unfortunately we are not past the dreaded question.......as we were lying in bed last night she asked me again..........."Will daddy ever live with us again?".........her expectant little face wanting another answer.......a different answer than the one I have to give her...........and I have to look into that sweet face and tell her the truth.........which is "No."............and then I tell her her dad adores her and that his not living here is not her fault, and that he loves her so much but has chosen to live his life somewhere else........and that she and her brother and I are going to have a great life full of all the best adventures and that everything is going to be alright........in the beginning I could not answer that question without tears........and my heart felt like it was splitting in two.........I am stronger these days, no tears when I answer her, but my heart still breaks just as much as it did in the beginning......although my heartbreak isn't for me........my take on all of this is far different now for myself and my future........but the heartache for my kids may never end.........not ever.......and each time I am forced to answer the question and break her heart again and again I am keenly aware that he has never had to answer that question.........not even once..........because my kids don't dare put any of that stuff on his shoulders......knowing somewhere inside of themselves that his shoulders are not strong enough to carry their pain........he is not in a place in his life where he can or is able to provide what they need in their pain..........plus part of them feels that they spooked him somehow and are not sure why he would not want to live with them........so I think they fear pushing him further away.......heartbreaking right??? so they save all the good stuff for him, all the smiles and cheer, and let their hearts lie with me......their pain with me........all of it........and it is just fine by me.......my shoulders are strong enough to carry it all.......my pain and theirs..........but sometimes I wish...........I could play him a tape of those early days and all the pain and suffering he caused in this house.........he missed all of it.........didn't have to endure any of it...........seems unfair right??? Life isn't fair........the lesson of life that all else builds upon right?..............Gabe has a question too that slays me every single time............"Mom do you think daddy made the best. choice......the choice to leave us?".........and I don't know what to say to him except to say that his dad made a choice that he thought was best for him, and that his dad is crazy about him........loves him fiercely.......and that his leaving had nothing to do with he and his sister...... lately they ask me if I miss their dad......a complicated question because the short answer is........no..........but I don't want to share that with them.......not now.......so instead I say I will always love their dad........which is true.........that I will always treasure the times we spent together as a family.......but that you and your sister and I are going to have such fun adventures and live such a great life! All true........I never want to lie to them......... So these questions go on repeat in my home.......over and over......day in and day out......and each time I feel braver in my answer.......more sure of what I am saying......stronger in the face of my heartache and theirs..........it is a brutal thing to watch your children bleed out from heartache and not be able to fix it......only be able to sit by them and watch......no paramedic or ambulance in sight and even if there were there is nothing to be done for them..............I cannot even describe it.........it was excruciating........I hope one day I get to share that with him........but even in the sharing he will never fully know........know the horrors that took place inside these walls after his sudden departure, or the pain and suffering I cleaned up for him......his mess.........truth is even if the universe were equipped with magic wands and we could somehow magically put it all back together......for them........I wouldn't.........and that simple fact.......knowing how much my kids would want that........tells me all I need to know.......onward and upward.....................to meet a new day filled with promise and healing and love and hope........
jperuso
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