How are you showing up in this life, and who are you? Anytime I struggle with "what is right"....he challenges me to stay true to who I really am......use the me in me to guide me:) Stay true at every turn......And it helps to bring myself back, or to look inside and say how would "I" respond? But sometimes lately I am examining that ME.....and wondering if there are more changes to be made......more things to let go of......more things to allow myself to evolve in......or into.......I have a guarded nature to some degree......I am cautious......thinking ahead at all turns and sometimes it robs me of the ability to be freer in my life.....so in the new year I plan on doing that......not being reckless or impulsive, but definitely being mindful of getting out of my head some more......and just letting more of the road unfold......I am looking forward to trying new things in the new year.....of challenging my comfort spots and stretching them......of seeing how far I can go when I let go:) I have learned this year that life is meant to be LIVED.....every single minute......no dress rehearsal stuff.....ALL IN.....and I plan on doing that and gaining experiences as I go......I already marvel at the differences in my life now in the last year and all I have accomplished and all the new stuff I am doing.....and it feels amazing.....and 2022 is going to be way more of that.....seizing opportunities, creating bucket lists and checking them off! I am so excited! But asking yourself who you are at any given point is a valuable thing........one of the conversations that my therapist and I have often is the one where I lament a little on the chances I gave Nick, and why I did not cut him loose sooner in the face of all of it.......and what a waste that time and energy was......and each time that notion circles around he gently reminds me that it was because that wasn't who I was then or now......that I was a woman that believed in second chances, and in our marriage and family, in love, and that I had decided it was worth it, to give it my best shot.....and that I showed up in that moment as me.......and that the gift I had given Nick was a beautiful one, attempting to forgive and forget truly with all my heart to honor our vows and marriage.....and he is right about that......I truly gave that all with a very open heart, even though what I received in return was not the same......so in thinking of evolving in this life.....in being braver......being bolder......I know the core of me is always going to be who she is......she is a believer of hope, of love, of faith, of gratitude, of passion, of excitement, of so many things......and she deeply believes in family......and creating deep ties in this life.....and that those things are the most important things....so that has been a part of me for a long time......but this year I think the piece I added was using my voice......my voice had been quieter for a long time.....too afraid to speak my truth......to allow myself to be vulnerable in the deeper parts of me.....to allow myself to be heard in a real way in lots of different ways this year......and in allowing myself to do that......stretching my comfort zone, I found more of me there that I hadn't known.......because as open as I have always been I wasn't wanting to be open about my marriage and the challenges within for a very long time.....and once I broke that barrier and owned all of it, the good, the bad, the ugly.....it freed a space in me.....and now I get that we need to be transparent in this life.....we need to speak our truth.....not let it rattle around in the confines of our mind......in the dark.....in a place where it cannot bring us forward......so anytime I struggle I hear my therapist's words asking me who I want to be, who am I in this situation.....and when I answer that question I know I cannot go wrong:)
jperuso
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