A few times Gabe has asked when I am going to get him a new dad.......and when he asks that it isn't because he doesn't love his dad, or recognize him as such, it is because he wants a dad that lives here with us......is present in our day to day......a part of his life in a more real way.....and it is heartbreaking when he asks it, it hurts m heart.....and on the other end of the spectrum Madeline never wants me to date for as long as I live and never even consider bringing another man into our lives.....her dad and the relationship she has with him at the moment is enough for her......for now.......and as far as she is concerned I don't need love, a man, or anything but them;) so it is an interesting balance to walk with where they are in this journey.....they both are aware that what he did was wrong.....they haven't fully connected the dots but their sense is that it was not right......they know he left to live with his girlfriend and it was a choice he made......but they don't hold his girlfriend accountable in an way......I think it is their protective mechanism in their brains.......it is too painful for them to recognize, plus they are aware that having a relationship with her makes their dad happy, and that is something that want to do. So for now they don't let it register.....and sort of dismiss the elephant in the room.....and that is OK with me.....I don't want them to feel that consciously, especially since they have to see her now......I know one day Madeline will have all the pieces in place.....when she is older and ready to understand it all.....and I am not sure that is a day he has thought of.......one he fully understands will change everything for her.......he can do his best to explain it away but facts are just that facts.......so I feel sad for my boy, his wanting a day in and day out dad.....I feel guilty for dating I haven't even done yet for my girl......and the pain that is waiting for her one day.......and in many ways he is accountable to none of it......they talk to me about it all......share it all with me......and from where he sits it is all good......Madeline did connect a significant dot the other night.......I haven't shared it with him....there isn't any point.....it would just prick his defense and nothing productive would come in the sharing.......so again.....I just sit with it......trying to do what is best for their emotional health......and understanding that it is a delicate place to live in......I don't ever want to cause them more emotional harm or injury.....and I keep my personal feelings out of it......I am sure they sense more from me.....I am human......but they know that I support their relationship with their dad......and now with her.....and that I am fine......that I will always care for their dad and have good memories of the four of us being together.....which is partly true.......and as for the rest, it is a story for another day......they often ask me if I know why their dad left......and I say yes......that I know most of the reason but not all of it, but it is grown up stuff, and when they are grown I will share it......but for now it is for their dad and I to know........they seem to accept it.....it is interesting though because sometimes I see glimpses of how deep their pain runs when they break down and I get a sense that their hearts know.........what their minds cannot allow them to acknowledge....yet........:(
jperuso
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