When you have a special needs child the day to day takes hold, and the deep realizations don't always hit you so clearly or fully as your life rolls on......and sometimes they are too big or overwhelming to stare at ,......so looking at them in small doses is better anyway.....more palatable.......Gabe had his band concert last night, and I never tire of seeing him love his high school years, and seeing all the places he has created for himself.....it really touches my heart....he is loving high school......and people GET him, like really get him....and the teens accept him, and really seem to SEE Gabe for his pure soul, and include him at every turn.....and well.....what else could I ask for??? :):):) And in the car last night he said mom "I am going to be a senior next year!" What should I do after I graduate mom, what do you think??? And I felt like somebody sucked the air out of the car......And that question is so overwhelming and immediately causes me to spin......when you have a child.....a child that could live with you forever.....and one you want to be able to live with you if that is how it needs to go, and if there is no suitable alternative......not feeling resentful or burdened but wanting him to have a place that is safe and warm, and cared for all of his days.....all of them.....it is a powerful realization......and the truth is we still have some time....or I have some time to avoid it all......he will walk with his class next year.....and then stay at the school till he is 21 and learn the many skills he will need to be more in the world, and be a man....and be more self sufficient........he is becoming a man.....I see it.....and it is crazy, when on any given day I see that blonde curly haired little guy that captured my heart almost 17 years ago........ but also challenged every piece of me.......and as I drove and he and Mads talked about all the plans Gabe could have post graduation I spun......I spun in the remembering of my premature baby....2lbs 10 oz.....and the journey to now.....and WOW.....it has been intense, and feels like truly another lifetime ago......and we have all been through so much.....I have carried a lot for a long time in my life....and had some big stuff come find my life on repeat......and it all made me feel grateful.....grateful we are here now......and also maybe a little sorry for me, a pang of that.....all that has been thrown at me, and now the delighting in Gabe is solely on my shoulders.....his future.....his stability......his orchestration of his best life.....whatever is up ahead......which is overwhelming to think of.....is all on me....and I was remembering how much of a team my ex and I were when it came to Gabe....making plans for his future....being fiercely protective of him from the first day we stared at his tiny and mighty self.........and now all of that is gone.....no more team.....party of one to plan and figure out what is best for Gabe as he enters into adulthood....no room for conversation or support....so I deeply breathed....knowing I will be a hot mess at his graduation....a sobbing mess lol:) I am prepared for that......and I defaulted to my new trust and faith spot.....the one that leads me home when worry and fretting want a say.....the one that tells me that God is in the details up ahead....and Gabe has had provisions and blessings all of his life from the jump, and he will carry that into his future.....and whatever life begins to materialize and manifest for him will indeed be the one for him.....and I will be blessed with all I need to walk that journey with him, wherever it leads.....Amen.....:)
jperuso
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