Yeah I am going here, LOL:). But not how you think.......However it is true that I miss sex and intimacy inside a marriage and feeling that safe and sacred space....I miss it more than I care to admit or wish that I did.......and the abrupt absence of it was not what I expected, and the void it left either.....but I miss touch in all forms.....hugging....kissing....hand holding.....feeling the presence of another human next to you as you sleep.....keenly aware they are there but not.......all of it and truth is....the missing of this piece is the part of being single I find the most challenging.....humans are designed to express themselves physically with those they love.....it is a legitimate need, like eating, sleeping, breathing...........the power of human touch....and connection.....it is REAL....and maybe I never knew how real or important it was..... because I always had it at my disposal when I craved it or needed it.....each and every day for such a long period of my life....... so the absence of it was never felt....not part of my experience in this life.....till now.....and so here I am.....kinda loving single life.....but not loving this part.....and not wanting to fill it with just any sort of thing......not my style......nor can it be....what I am seeking cannot be found in a casual interaction that would likely make me feel worse not better.....so it becomes a really challenging place to find myself.....at 45......a grown woman......who was very used to sharing a physical life with her husband.....and always had a powerful physical connection with her husband....and then on a Thursday night after dinner....not only did she lose her marriage.....her family.....but also her entire physical life......in one moment......at a time in her life when she feels young and vibrant.....healthy, in the prime of her life.......so it is a part of the human and single experience that has come to me for me to really ponder, and look at.....most all the other challenges that arise can easily be solved.....not so much this one.....there is some stuff to be done but in terms of filling what it is that one would be seeking it is not easy or simple.....and it leaves me wondering about it......and how it affects people.....from all walks of life.....in many circumstances.....the missing of that human experience that we all so deeply crave......the deepest parts of our intimacy seeking souls.....and it is curious to me in the absence of it.....where to put it.....I am learning as with the rest of the challenges that have found me that the answers are not always simple....they are not always obvious, and some parts just don't have an answer or a substitute available and sometimes that is the answer.....it just is.....for now......and for me that is the case.....this is just the way it is.....and will be for a bit I feel, and I need to find my way to accept it as I have the rest.....a loss all its own.....a void that needs to be acknowledged and heard.....honored for its voice and it feelings of legitimacy......and then moving forward........not sure I will ever get used to the absence of it.....I am lucky to have my kids to snuggle up to me, hugging me fiercely. And my family and friends. But even COVID has come to interrupt our sense of human touch. When we should and when we shouldn't.....so it is something that is not simple in any direction indeed.....I give all these things a voice when they come and hear them loud and clear.....and this one comes bearing a little sadness in my heart when it comes up.....because while I feel the need so clearly, I know my heart is not really ready......so I am in this space in between anyway......even if I set out to solve it.......and it isn't easy......what I know is when the power of touch comes back into my life again......I won't take it for granted......underestimate the power it holds......and it will be a gift to me once again:)
jperuso
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