Therapy has played a huge role in this story and I am not ashamed in any way to admit that.....I go weekly.....it has been by phone for quite some time. So on my way home from work on Tuesdays I sort my life out:) I have gone to therapy at different points in my life.....the first time was when I was in the throes of a pretty serious anxiety disorder in my 20s.....that is a story for another day;-) and then I went for quite some time after my sister passed......it was super helpful then too......and then back a ways down the road Nick and I had ventured to marriage counseling before the affair, and before we were in real trouble......a rough patch........and man I wish we had committed to doing it then......it helped, even in a few sessions.....helped us find one another amid the noise of life......helped right some stuff......it just helped.....but back then it was hard to find a sitter........hard to find the time to take for us......just hard.....so we only went a few times.......then flash forward to when the atomic bomb hit.......we sought out the same man we had seen those years before.....he welcomed us back with open arms.....so we began marriage counseling......weekly....... for a year and a half or more......and it helped us so much.......at least that was my experience.......it was really something and helped us find each other and better understand one another.......except that all of what was going on underneath the surface would not allow it to take hold in a real way.......I just didn't know that......so about 6 months or so before he left our marriage counselor became my own counselor......we had stopped doing couples counseling......and I have continued ever since......and we have such insightful and therapeutic conversations.....helping me understand myself better......and the logistics of the path I walk......he is kind, open, and intelligent......I trust him and his deep wisdom and experience, he has been at this a long time.......and he has been super supportive and complimentary of my journey, which helps me feel some validation, as he would know I suppose........ Yesterday he reminded me of the power of our minds......I was telling him I was doing a meditation with my class.......it was about "being a moment"......it had a gorilla as an icon to have the kids calm themselves and visualize a moment in their lives, one that made them burst with happiness......it had them stay with that moment......and then tried to bring them to the awareness that they can hold onto those moments any time they want.....because "they are the moment".......so I did it with them.....and as the guide was having us pick a moment, in our lives, one that we were bursting with joy in.......my wedding day popped into my consciousness........and I was kind of surprised it showed up, mediation is like that......you never really know......so it showed up......and it made me smile......and then have immediate pain on the other side but not in a crippling or intense way.....just as a nod to what is......and then it passed through and I honored it and it let go.....and when I shared that with my therapist, he was very impressed??? He felt that the fact that my deepest self allowed that moment to step forward......and knew I would be OK to examine it and let it pass through......was a real testament to how psychologically sound and strong I am.... which was kind of cool to think of.....and certainly felt like a compliment considering........that my mind was strong enough to absorb that, and my deep self understands it is part of the healing path.....which is why mediation is so powerful......helps us go deeper than most anything else we can imagine.......he is also a huge proponent of mediation and its value for us all......so I am not sure how long I will continue therapy.......I see its value in every part of my life......and so I suppose as long as that is the case I will stay the course.......I am grateful I have found a therapist that I have been able to forge such a rapport with, it is so important.....it helps me learn about the world.....the other curious thing we spoke of......is how the shift in how I relate to my world around me.....has literally changed the world for me......which is so cool.....this new magic I have found, this joy and peace.....is just a byproduct of my perception and my intentional ways of handling the world around me.....and that for most of us the world we live in, is one created by ourselves......our beliefs, our perceptions, our mindsets.....and that at any time we can flip that script and change the narrative.....therefore literally changing our own world! Cool huh?? The world I am currently living in, is one I am not giving back:) I am going to continue to see the world as I do now......and keep having it bless me in return!:)
jperuso
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