I was thinking the other day about our lives.....and that they are a tapestry, truly....of all the places we have all been....those places that shape us and mold us.....form who we are.....maybe my sister's birthday made me think about all of that......her death being a part of the tapestry I carry with me in this life.....many squares being created as a result of that grief.....and really the trauma of her sudden passing.....when somebody passes so suddenly the shock and awe is real......never expecting such a thing to happen.......and prior to her passing there was only one other situation that really felt tapestry worthy....or I guess I should say one that was a more significant part of my story......in my 20s I battled a pretty intense anxiety disorder......I believe now it was a perfect storm of sorts......I had always had a personality that leaned in that direction......into the land of "what ifs"......and at the time I had issues with my thyroid, and I now believe that I was on the hyperthyroid end at that time.......losing weight, heart racing, having vertigo making it impossible for me to sleep......and I was with a guy, engaged to him actually, but knowing in my heart I should not marry him.....so my conscience was having its say.......and it was the first time in my life I had to fight for my life.....and I don't say that lightly.....my anxiety was so bad.....panic and anxiety attacks a daily occurrence......it was a super intense time in my life......and I worked so hard to overcome that time......I did everything and all things I needed to do to get better.......and I did.......but not until it tested me to my core.......and I feel like all the things we travel through in our lives lay the groundwork for the next challenge......giving us better tools and equipment to move forward.......so that when the next one comes we are prepared......my anxiety has never come back to that level ever again......I did have it surface some and bubble over the years.......usually through extreme life circumstance.........my sister dying.......my husband having cancer.......Gabe being born prematurely........but not in my divorce and his leaving.......instead the opposite happened, peace came to visit......the absence of anxiety........in the beginning there were some nights when I would wake up in a panic......my mind remembering the trauma and feelings.....but never did anxiety visit in my days or become a part of this chapter......and I guess my point is that as we journey.....as we sew our colorful squares on our big beautiful tapestry, hoping to be a little better equipped each time.....a little wiser......a little stronger......a little bit more of what we need to be to conquer whatever comes our way.......using the lessons of the past to help us walk in the places we visit in the future........I am hopeful now that anxiety is no longer a part of my story.....being extinguished in the ashes of my explosion......this trauma showing me there is nothing to fear and be anxious about.......faith reigns and trusting the journey.....and whatever comes my way, I trust it, and will always have what I need to walk my path......and while sometimes I have deep regret for all the years I worried about stuff that didn't matter, or spent so much time having anxiety, I know for sure that it needed to a be a part of the story.....and that we don't get to feel the sun without the rain......so as I thought of all of this, I remain appreciative for both the rainstorms I have survived, and the sun that shines on my face when the storm clears:)
jperuso
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