When your marriage fails, no matter the circumstance.....there is a part of the aftermath that asks you to be self reflective.......if it indeed mattered to you......and really life should be like that.....things happen, sometimes seemingly sudden, and we should be asking ourselves honestly how we contributed......and I am forever curious of my ex husband's version of our story......the one he is carrying.....because perspective is everything right? The only thing in a real sense.....my perspective is mine and his is his own......and so it would be therapeutic for us to sit down, and hear each other out, clear the air, and move on in our co parenting space with it cleared......however that is likely not going to happen on his end, in this lifetime.....but I never want to make it seem in my blog, or anywhere else, that I am free of any fault in my marriage, and it only failed due to him.....because well life is a two way street....and yes it is true I am wildly happy now, and my life is better, and that does speak to some stuff........ but still......we all make mistakes.....and I did too....nobody prepares you for marriage really.....and it is challenging even on the easier days.....one regret I have is having us go our own ways.....we were a divide and conquer couple.....not a together one.....and part of that is on me, and part on him......in the spirit of wanting to be efficient we split things often, leading us in different directions......while being swept up in being parents to a special needs kiddo, shortly after we were married, that took much of my time too.....so there was not a lot of time left to connect...and keep connecting in the ways you should when you are married.....keeping your friendship alive.....I know now that a relationship, one that you want to last.....needs to be intentionally watered, and tended and cared for. Now I was not alone in the neglecting of our garden.....I wasn't......but I definitely didn't get that part as much as I do now....and the importance of that.....we were also mismatched in a certain sense......I realize that now.....even though we lasted 20 years......so many core pieces of us were so different......and I made him too responsible for my happiness....and put too much pressure on it all for that to be so......thinking that if he just___________ then all would be great, or I would be perfectly happy.....that was not fair or true......and I know he tried for a good portion of our marriage.....but it was like we were from different countries, speaking different languages.....with some really different beliefs, so lots of times it missed its mark......our marriage was not all challenged.....I have some fond memories from it too.....some places where we jived, and in those places we really did......but I have learned so much on the other side of him and our marriage......and in the failing of my marriage.....about marriage and myself.....and my mistakes......and all of it......and things I do not seek to repeat.....not ever......and there are things I might have done differently....and maybe it would have ended the same.....because there was a lot in play too, that I did not realize at the time.....but marriage requires two people, to go all in, and make it work every day......with deep love and respect for one another......even when they are upset.....and when you lose that, well.....there is not much to be done to right that ship......I think respect is the thing people in relationships and in marriages should hang onto the most, fiercely......the presence of it is amazing, and the loss of it catastrophic........we all make mistakes.....we all have places we fall short....and the best we can do is not make the same mistakes moving forward. Happy Thursday!
jperuso
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