I try my best to walk through this the best I can.....letting go of what I can and what I need to to move forward in my life, and not let the unpleasantness get in too far.....anybody that has gotten a divorce and has children knows what I mean.....there are most definitely unpleasant parts that cannot be avoided I am afraid......but the stuff that is the most unpleasant to me is still court stuff related to our situation that come up from time to time....and some of it has the last few days.....and I despise it.....I really do.....it is not who I am....not what I am made of....to duke it out in court.....to go to the places one needs to, to be the "winner" in court....if there is such a thing.....and I would much rather sit down, have a cup of coffee, and calmly discuss our life, the dissolution of it together, and what is best for our kids between the two of us....the people that brought them into this world.....the people that have always known what is best for them.....always been on the same page in parenting them, in the beautiful way that we were both so proud of.....but now that guy is gone and incapable of having such a conversation.....so we are left to communicate in cold court documents.....outlining our lives......our desires and demands......in a weird, formal, and disconnected way.....one I hate.....one I will never get used to......never feel settled in when the document hits my email.....a way that gives me a stomach ache.....making me wonder how on earth we got here.....communicating through lawyers..... having drama and nonsense enter into our journey.....and then I remember....... and I know clearly the answer to that question.....he just doesn't yet.....but he will......he will understand the huge mistake he has made one day......and for nothing......that I know......he will realize how truly misguided he really has been when he sees things as clearly as everybody else does....of that I have no doubt.......it is not my place to shed light on the things he doesn't know.....it will be much more powerful when he learns them on his own.......and in the meantime I have no choice but to armor myself with what I need to, to fight the good fight and do what is best for myself and my kids.......even if I hate it and it FEELS awful to me......not my energetic wheelhouse.......I enjoy kindness, peace, hope, light, gratitude......not the things court battles are made of......but I am also a survivor and a fighter.....especially as it pertains to my children.....and what is best for them......and most definitely capable of the battles that lie ahead......but that reality doesn't make it any more palatable......I am a peacemaker at heart......only using my sword if absolutely necessary......and when it is necessary I can wield with the best of them.....but each time I am faced with a battle......... I am keenly aware of how much I just don't want to be in the position to have to battle at all......that I am so desperately wanting a peaceful resolution, a fair one, one that makes sense and is best for all.......and my brain wants to believe that he and I are capable of that, due to our shared history and the love of our children......but at this point......due to other influences......we are not able to do that......and it is heartbreaking truly......in ways that are hard to explain......and I hope I never get used to the court stuff....and I don't think I ever will........not ever.......and it is my work to do in this.....to find peace in my despising of it all......to transmute that feeling into acceptance and understand that I don't have a choice......I have to have this piece in my life at the moment.......and it is a good exercise in learning that lesson......so profound in this life to have such strong feelings.....such unpleasant feelings for something that you must endure.....and part of its power lies in the feelings it inspires in you....and learning to strip it of its power by managing your feelings surrounding it is where the key lies.....that is where the power lies every single time.....so that is my goal for court stuff.....to not let my deepest despising of it take over....to reach acceptance.....to not have it phase me in the same ways...........to get better at taking it in and letting it go........and I am not there yet....it is still too new, and pricks a part in me that is deep and raw.....and this awareness.....and knowing my goal.....is work enough for today......tomorrow is another day......filled with the promise of things I can overcome as I travel this journey.......
jperuso
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