This retrograde month of contemplation, which by the way began to end yesterday....:) came bearing introspection surrounding my romantic relationships in this life......I have been writing about the things that have found me as of late in my blog.....and one major thing that found me, or I should say two.......is that the people you cannot have a healthy love with, are people who don't love themselves......and people who don't give the things you seek to themselves, if they cannot give it to themselves, you cannot expect it to be available to you! And that was kind of powerful......because at one time I was in part of that camp.....not really making peace with myself and loving myself fully......I was kind of a conditional love person when it came to me......and I tried to love my people unconditionally....but I also made them too responsible for my happiness.....all flawed....and doesn't work......you cannot love a person that is empty.....empty of the things they want and you want.....and think you can fill it......one of the most powerful things about the here and now for me.....is that my life is no longer dependent upon who I share it with......I truly love it, just like it is.....and if somebody adds to that great......and if not...... well then that is OK too....it truly makes no difference to me.....and I am not just saying that.....and not because I don't care......just because I know deeply.....now.....that true happiness and satisfaction comes from within.....and the ways in which we live our lives......and if I fall in love again.....I want it to be the free kind.....where both of us are free to be ourselves.....and appreciated for being those people......free to say how we feel......free to do the things we love....I think where things fall apart is when two people try to mold their partner into who they want them to be....control them....fix them.....all of that is foolish....it doesn't work......and don't misunderstand.....your boundaries should be clear.....there are things I won't tolerate.....not this time.....and not again.....but I also feel I am more accepting now in lots of ways than I have ever been......understanding better that people are who they are.....and what makes us all is inside of us......but to find love, in mid life......it needs to be wrapped in a person that loves their life.....and themselves....and isn't coming from need or dissatisfaction.....otherwise.....it just won't work......and I guess I am feeling kinda blessed in a way....to have been freed from my marriage, given the time and space to realize all of the lessons.....the places where I went wrong, and the places that were flawed.....and be given the opportunity for a clean slate.....knowing better what makes a great relationship great....and what doesn't.......and I guess the other big aha for me......is that I will never go without love in this life again.....not ever......because besides my children loving me fiercely and my family......I FINALLY love me.....so in those moments......the alone ones......I am able to share that love with me....and mean it:) SO powerful:) Enjoy the day! :)
jperuso
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