I was speaking to somebody last night......she is somebody that has read my blog all along and found her own healing within its words as she has travelled a similar path.....she may be at a crossroads now as to what to do.....and she asked me if I still think that this is a path I wouldn't have chosen.... as I have written that many times......within the context of where my life has gone now? Do I still feel that way? It was a very curious question to me and I felt it deserved some exploration.......when I write that I wouldn't have chosen this? I mean more of never choosing the things he did to destroy our family......or choosing to be divorced.......to dissolve our family........and IF he had been committed to truly healing and working on us, as I thought he was, then I don't think I would have chosen for our marriage to dissolve......and our little family......BUT the reality is he was incapable of doing the stuff that would have needed to be done to fully heal, or move past it, it would have required a herculean attempt, that I am afraid he was not capable of at all....so that leaves me in this spot to ponder this question.......because a part of me knew he wasn't going to be able to pull off what needed to be done to really move forward......yet I stayed......and it is most curious to me.......my commitment to seeing it all through even in the midst of all that was wrong......it makes me a little sad......that my worth, my peace, my life didn't enter much into that decision......my decision to hang on as the ship was sinking......see it through.......MY stuff didn't really enter it at all.......but it is the lies we tell ourselves, and at the time I believed otherwise to some extent......but there was the nagging voice in the background of my head that knew better......she knew it was time.....and that the ship wasn't going to get turned back around.....that the hole in the side of it was not to be repaired and I kept ignoring that voice, silencing her.......telling her to be quiet, that I had to do it my way......and I did.....but at a big price.......the woman that found out last September that her husband was STILL having an affair.....after believing it had been over for two years was ready to leave......she was ready to send him packing......to be done......but somehow he convinced her otherwise......to trust again.....to love again.....to be vulnerable with him again.....and she did........and then he pulled the rug out and left in January.......so the question of the path I would have chosen? Is a complicated one......and this morning as I sit here......drinking my coffee......typing my blog.......listening to music in peace........maybe the answer isn't as it always has seemed to be......maybe now I think I would have chosen me......I would have SAVED ME.........I would have sent him out......been done......no more chances.......and I would have chosen my life and honoring it in a much better way........THIS Jenn would not have stood for any of it and would have known her worth and proceeded accordingly.......and I think this woman spoke to me and reached out to me because her voice is getting louder too......she knows what she needs to do but is struggling with pulling the trigger because of the price.......but if you are reading this and have that voice too.......it is OK to choose you.......you don't have to sacrifice all of you for everybody else.......you just don't, and I shouldn't have.....I don't live in regret often......I feel like each step we take is destined and the timing is always as it should be......but there is a part that wishes I had been free sooner.......if I had known what I had known sooner........this is most definitely the path I would have chosen.......this beautiful.....sparkly.....happy,.......joyful life I have found on the other side of my heartache......and if you are struggling and not getting what you need......I hope you choose that too:)
jperuso
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