There is a part of me that knows this truth deep in my heart.......and I am always hopeful I am wrong but a quiet voice tells me I am not......there is a part of this story that will never leave me, even if I live another 50 years.......because of who I am......and the things I hold dear in this life and now the subsequent loss of it......it is the loss of my family of four.......despite my knowing it was meant for Nick and I to part ways.......despite the fact that I feel I am better off in so many ways due to the circumstances of the last few years.......and despite the fact that I get tingly excited often about my future.......and wake up excited to meet the day..........I still think I might have sacrificed all of that to keep our family unit in tact.......maybe.........still not totally sure but fairly sure.....or maybe not sure at all........depends on the day I suppose..............however it is a moot point now, cannot be salvaged, not ever, and can't be done over, but I believe in family so strongly that it would have been hard for me to give it up even if I had known what I know now.......and there is nothing I will ever be able to do to recreate that sweet space, the space we all occupied together.......... and I believe the four of us will always be magnetic when we are all together.......no matter what is going on beyond that, when the four of us are in the same space it feels as if that is right where we belong......like magic, and like magnets finding each other in the universe......a unit of things that just go together......I experienced that again this weekend........and it is lovely and heartbreaking...........and I hope the loss of that leaves my heart or softens some as I continue my life........... but I am pretty sure it will never ever fully leave my heart.....my belief is that you always fight for your family no matter what......and every day I wish that had been his belief too........however I do believe there must be a profound lesson in this life for me that lies in that simple fact.......because it was what I held sacred above all else and it was taken away.......we all have stuff that we hold dear and sacred and that mean so much to us in our lives, many of us hold our family in that spot, but the irony of my losing it in this life, when I have always felt so strongly about it, is not lost on me........so as I journey ahead I will try not to focus on the loss........stay focused on the lesson, and what I am supposed to glean from what has happened to me and the loss of my sweet little family.......and what I am to learn.........and I will continue to try and find a place to put that loss as I walk ahead.......I know there is more grief up ahead.....more related to this part as my kids grow............more for me to walk through........to let wash over me........and that fact makes me feel overwhelmed some days, and other days I feel I have accepted that this journey is a marathon not a sprint.......and that maybe the grief won't ever go away......not for good......that it will be a lifelong project for me........to work through it, make sense of it.....make meaning from the senseless, find my way through it all.....some days it feels like that........hearing other's stories is so powerful for me too......has been healing for me to walk alongside so many others who have endured what I have.......I am not alone indeed.......there are so many others out there suffering this deep loss.......so while I have hope always in all things........I am not sure time will erase this part of it for me........and I will carry the memories of the four of us, and all I held dear, in my heart for the rest of my life.........that I know........cherish your families y'all even if it isn't perfect, it is worth it:)
jperuso
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