There is no way to prove where Gabe got COVID.....except that in the incubation period was the weekend he spent with Nick and his girlfriend, and they went a lot of places I was uncomfortable with and did not choose for myself and my kids.....However due to the circumstances I knew I had to let go and accept that it was what it was......they had masks on and cleaned hands etc.....but it was going to be whatever it was.....and maybe it wasn't from that weekend.....again hard to say.....and truth is it doesn't matter in a real sense.....it was bound to happen and I am not blaming anybody......my point though is here it is.....on my shoulders.....bringing me COVID too and there is a total lack of support or acknowledgement from that side.....none......and it is the most unreal thing I can think of when I really let it sink in.......you can not love me......you can not want to do life with me anymore.....you can not even really like what I stand for or the things that I do......not really getting who I am anymore........but the fact remains I am the mother of your children....and am taking care of them while having COVID and it deserves just a little recognition....and some care and concern..........it just does........some acknowledgement and the fact that I haven't heard a word, is just another part of the things that have added up in the aftermath that I will never forget and have a hard time forgiving.....no matter how much I want to.....or know I need to........don't even have words for the way it feels.....how I am left picking up the messes over and over and his accountability and awareness just continues to be non existent and elusive.....that I do all the heavy lifting........and as I pour all of this out to get it out of my head.....to honor my feelings......I am also keenly aware that it doesn't matter......doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do.....he gets to decide his role in this story....I have come to accept it most times unless I get poked......and I don't need him.....I have the most glorious support system and have resources of my own to lean in on when I need.....but even with all that awareness and growth, I still find it really hard to swallow.......and the reasons he continues to choose these kinds of behaviors even worse.....stuff he can never take back.....not as long as he lives.......and stuff there is no excuse on the planet acceptable enough to use.....not one......so as I said these feelings needed a voice, so they can be free.......and so I can be free.....and I will lay them down.....not lug them around with me, they are too heavy.......and I will focus on what is amazing.....focus on the blessings.....Gabe is almost fully well.......Mads has done great so far.....and I feel OK all things considered and will get through this as I do the rest......one foot in front of the other, getting my head straight......my mindset right......understanding that just because something FEELS a certain way doesn't mean it is......and truth is......... to expect him to do something different than he has all along is foolish......I am not even sure why I would even think he would decide in this moment to be different......maybe because it is COVID and a bigger deal......or maybe I just keep wishing he would find his decent places again......allow them to step forward instead of burying them in guilt, shame, and denial.......and darkness that is encouraged by another......a complete lack of courage to do the right thing no matter the cost......but he never chooses those things.....so I will keep choosing me.....and my fight in this life and my journey.....honoring it and knowing that when I focus on all the amazing things, those amazing things keep getting bigger......and when I resist diving into a rabbit hole of resentment and hurt I am better off for it! I feel pretty decent this morning.....still congested, got some extra rest.....and am ready to heal more today, in every single way:)
jperuso
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