So the pandemic has hung over this whole experience even before he left.....and its role cannot be discounted in what has unfolded.......When it hit.....I was home, working, walking with my kids, amusing them, and rearranging our lives......adjusting to our new normal with a joyful heart and protecting everybody the best I could.....Nick was working too much and I felt lonely, and isolated much of the time in all of it.....not realizing that his working was equating to his affair raging on......the distance felt vast last summer.......my needing him to support me and him not doing that at all....I was left to stew in my fear, my isolation, my loneliness on my own......putting on a brave and happy face every day to make it fun for my kids.......and we did......we had the best time! And in hindsight forged our super strong threesome then......a threesome bond that would serve us well as it all unfolded........then he was in quarantine last Christmas through New Years......due to being exposed at work, and again I was on my own to nurse my sadness and fear........pulling off the holiday alone.....isolated with the kids because we didn't know if we had been exposed, so no family to come and be with us........and I am guessing that this is where his affair rekindled, haven't had that confirmed yet.......but he left four days after being home.......so it is a safe guess......then he left for good.....in the middle of a raging pandemic, I was headed back to work in person the week after he left....feeling so overwhelmed and fearful by what could lie ahead......and I couldn't freely go anywhere or spend too much time with a support system due to the pandemic hanging over all of it.....but something really interested happened for me......an evolution of my perspective on the pandemic occurred alongside my acceptance of all the rest of my journey......my journey would have been easier without this on top of it no question.....but I feel like the pandemic is challenging us all.....our beliefs, our values, our fears, our deepest places because it is such a big thing to work around, to live your life with it looming, and yet we have......we have figured it out somehow....and for the longest time it felt like something that was chasing me, chasing my life, and like it was breathing down my neck.....and finally I felt like I needed to turn around and face it......embrace it.....and accept it.......it is a part of our lives and there is nothing to be done about it, but to do the best each day and not let it control us.....and I have learned to do that.....to have respect for its existence but not allow it much air time in my head and heart these days......I have had to make really difficult decisions all along related to it......including this week......and it challenges me to dig deep, face my fears, and let fear go, making sound decisions whenever it comes into focus......because truth is fear is a liar......and worrying is useless.....causing us to live through things that don't often come to pass.....so while Nick was a catalyst to teach me many things I have needed to learn.....the pandemic has also been a teacher of sorts.....and I feel I have learned so much.....and I feel peace amid the pandemic.......peace in accepting what is......letting go of what I think should be......not letting things in that rob me of my peace and happiness.....and the quality of my life......my mission each morning when my feet hit the floor......after my coffee;-) is to live my truth all day long....and have a day that holds meaning and joy.......that feels authentic and is true to myself at every turn.....even amid the pandemic.......and I suppose as I am thinking of this now.....that when you go through what I have, you learn to rely on yourself in a whole new way.....but for most folks that have traveled before me, they had the luxury of freely meeting with friends and going places which offers some more options to heal.....and I could not do those things....and even now I am still super limited.....so I suppose I found the woods again to that end......maybe I wouldn't have found that if being in crowds was not a thing...? Maybe I would have chosen other outlets?? Hard to say......but all this pondering and musing really leads me always to the same conclusion....I am right where I am supposed to be......all that has happened in the last three years was beautifully orchestrated to bring me to this moment in time......to shape me into who I am as I type this.....and to challenge me in the ways it has......and I am trusting it all.....I know one day I will live in a world without the pandemic.....and it will be quite a story someday....and I have come to peace with its role in my life at the moment, in my journey......pushing me and challenging me each day.....and I feel so grateful I have found my way to finding peace in the pandemic.....it has been a huge shift.....every day I get to decide what comes in and what doesn't and I plan on choosing wisely each and every day:)
jperuso
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