Last night Mads came home from her dads and fell apart again soon after....it happens from time to time.....she wishes we all lived together.....misses her dad.....wants him to live here.....wants us all to be together again....and she just broke and sobbed....and I held her.....and she always says such profound things in those moments.....she often expresses that there is nothing to be done about it....nothing she can do....and the panic that lives in that space......but last night she said it hurts so bad mom, and I can't do anything but hold onto the pain, I am stuck with it.....as the tears ran down her sweet and beautiful face.....and it is so so heartbreaking......hard to put into words really...until you have watched your child truly suffer so deeply, and be helpless to stop it, you can't know the depth of the torture that is......and I held her and validated her.....and listened to all she said.....and then I sang the song I have always sung to her, "You Are My Sunshine," I have a special rendition, and I rubbed her back until she fell asleep......and yesterday I was reminded about the amount of pain that had been left in our home in another way too.....I was sharing something I had written with a friend over the phone.....getting in touch with the depth of pain the night he left, and reading it aloud left room to really relive it.....to really let it be processed again....and I felt that pain surge too.....my voice cracking some and tears coming to my eyes......and it just is.....healing is not a straight line.....no finish line persay.....just an endless loop.......ebb and flow......leaving some behind little by little.....but I always arrive at this point where I am not certain it will lever fully leave us...........and I am certain Gabe carries the same pain.....I had seen it visibly more in the initial stages....and now not for a longer time......I feel like he has found some acceptance too and his ability to express negative emotion is more challenging for him.....so I am not naive enough to believe it isn't there....living in the depths of him......but the expression of it isn't as often......so I sat in the pain with her.....letting it wash over us......and feeling powerless.....bound and gagged in it all.....nothing to do but offer my understanding and comfort.....all I could do.......she also expressed that she wanted to cry even though her nose was stuffy, I encouraged it.....when that urge comes it is best to do it, and set it free for sure.......I marvel sometimes at our story.....and it is always amazing to me the damage that one human can do to another, or in our case others.....and I have even come to acceptance myself long ago in this story....knowing with my whole heart it had to be this way.....he was meant to love again with her not me......and live a different life and so was I......but still......the enormous pain of that traumatic break is what will stay with the family he left behind.......it just will......and all we can do is to continue to heal each and every day and that is my mission each day.....I for sure feel further along than my sweet Mads....and it breaks my heart for her.....I know it is a process, one I am patient about.....and I know she too will move along her own healing path, little by little, day by day.......I love you my sweet girl.....you are my sunshine......
jperuso
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