I was thinking of it yesterday, as I was writing the post for Gabe's birthday......the first year of his life was very much like this past year.....it started in deep trauma and pushed me so hard to evolve and move beyond myself or get swallowed up.......he was born prematurely....2lbs 10 ounces......and having him was an emergency c-section, taking place after a doctor's appointment.....at that appointment the doctor explained that the cord was around Gabe's neck....and that we had to go straight to the hospital and that I had to have a c-section to get him out as soon as possible.......it was also at a doctor's appointment that I had almost cancelled due to bad weather......it was in Scranton.....and I tried to reschedule and she had insisted we try to keep it that day.....and it saved his life......my intuition had knocked that morning too.....I told Nick that something wasn't right.....that his movements had felt weaker and that I felt like that day may be the day.....we knew we would have him early due to how the pregnancy was progressing......so we were prepared for the day to be any day to some degree.......so we drove through Scranton both shell shocked......but also excited to meet Gabe, but so scared too.....and everybody at the hospital tried to calm our anxiety, they were amazing........ and when they pulled him out.....he was blue......but his eyes were wide open.....his skin was saggy on him.....like it didn't fit yet.....like a little monkey.......and then he was whisked away for measures to stabilize him.....I had gotten really sick from the pain meds.....they made me throw up.....but I was determined that Nick was going to wheel me in the wheelchair to the NICU to see him......and he did.....and we both just cried......seeing this little human we brought into this life hooked up to wires and tubes and monitors.......and all of it.....it was heartbreaking.....and in the days that followed I lived at the hospital with him......Nick came every night to be with us.......I went to him every day to do whatever I could.....and it was some of the hardest 5 weeks of our lives....and then when we got discharged.....I thought perhaps it would be easier......and it wasn't......then it was endless specialist appointments......taking this fragile tiny baby on all these long trips to be poked and prodded while I cried and cried endlessly.......just so many tears....and he never slept, he had so many health stuff that prevented that from being easy for him...so I was sleep deprived and pushed to the max.......and I remember fighting it a lot in those early days.....wishing for him to just feel better and for things to normalize......all of it....and being put through a boot camp of sorts.....trying to gain my sea legs in a sea of choppy waves and challenges......but then something in me took hold........and awareness that I had to change....I could not change this situation.......I HAD TO CHANGE......and I feel like I did all those years ago......finding more joy in the rain, and beginning to understand the gift that was my son, even with his challenges......so yesterday it became clear to me that having him in my life strengthened me and set the stage for this past year......that that year and this were very similar indeed.....that year serving as a road map to understand that our greatest selves, can be forged in fire......really the only way.......if we let that be so:)
jperuso
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