The other day was heavy and had me stuck some.....and I never want anybody to think that I have all the answers, or I never struggle, or never allow myself to have bad days.......because I most definitely do.....and when they come they can be pretty intense......I just try my best to not live there.....not unpack......not stay in that spot.......but honor the bad days the same as the good ones.....and one of the things that was circling around was my lack of closure from my marriage.....and it brought panic with it again????......which was so weird and unexpected......like the thought of never having closure or having that conversation in this lifetime made me feel visceral panic for a moment again.............and most days, as I have written about many times, it just doesn't matter all that much, I have learned to let go of that notion.....to release my attachment to it......to understand we cannot make another human do anything......even if we thought we were so close to them at one point in our lives....and that we mattered to them deeply once upon a time......we cannot make them do a thing.....so to that end.....on a regular basis......I do not think of it much at all......let myself get snared in it......or trapped by it....... but every once in awhile........still.........it just comes.......and I suppose besides the panic at the thought of living in an unfinished sentence, more than that it hurts me.......hurts me that something so profound in my life isn't worth that........that somebody else doesn't view me as worth that.......and then when I entertain it too far and imagine what would be said......what could be said? But I do know the power of an apology......a sincere one......being validated for your experience in the world.....all of it.....so maybe that is what it is......despite my knowing that it likely won't happen or not soon anyway........but I won't pretend that I don't have those days that come calling.....I promised when I began this blog to be as honest as I could as I chronicled my journey.....and sharing it all as it comes and as I experience.....and the other day came with some tears as I talked to a friend.....just feeling the weight of it all......the heavy nature.......the responsibility I carry.....the going it alone.....the being so strong all the time.....the........but then yesterday arrived......feeling so much better........giving me room to launch my women's series dream......bringing a much lighter vibe.....hanging in the sunflowers:) .....all of it important, all of it necessary in healing......to embrace and hold onto the good and the light amid the challenges that peek in on us.......I will not allow myself to stay in those darker places, because truth is they could have swallowed me up if I let them.......I need to choose the light each day......choose to let go......choose to choose joy.......choose to choose optimism, my mindset.....my mental health each and every day......and that is what I do.....even if once in awhile I am reminded of the sentence hanging in the universe........and maybe some day that need that circles around me from time to time will cease to exist at all and I will be free of it......or maybe I will be granted with the period on the end of that sentence.......only time will tell........
jperuso
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