Early on in my agony I was struck by what a strange opportunity I had been given....the opportunity to start over in the MIDDLE of my life.....smack dab in the center......nearly 45 to be exact.......I am sure many folks find themselves here, the divorce rate is YIKES......but I wonder if they view it as an opportunity like I have.....or like I have come around to.......it is not an opportunity I would have sought out, or one that I wanted to be a part of my story, or my kid's story.....not even one little bit.....I was a married person....a pack animal.......a party of four.....but here I am...........lone wolf status with her cubs........and I feel I must proceed as if I have been given this blank slate for the remainder of my days....to write a totally different story....a choose your own adventure........no predictability, no obvious course....no nothing in a traditional sense.....we are charting a new path....blazing a new trail.....and you know what....it is VERY EXCITING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who the heck knew such a sad and horrid thing would give me goosebumps, LIGHT my soul up, make me feel fire in my belly for the first time in so long......excited about all of the opportunities I had counted myself out of because I was a married chick...... and my life was taking care of everybody else......and I didn't make the list enough........and that was how the other story would go......now I am not any of those things anymore...........just the taking care of my sweet kids part......and ME! I read this interesting article on dating after being married, and it said that you shouldn't give your boyfriend husband privileges and that spoke to my heart.....like for real! I may in fact find love again, or companionship, or whatever...... but maybe we will live separate always just because I love my new life so much, and will fiercely protect it forever....or maybe that won't be the story, maybe I will live with another again, and it will be beyond anything I could ever imagine........or maybe there is no more love in this life outside of my love for myself, that is deepening each and every day.....point is it DOESN'T MATTER......NONE of what happens later matters.....the world is my oyster NOW so to speak lol;-) and I don't plan on wasting my OPPORTUNITY to run for the fence at full speed.....each day I am finding out more and more about me and what I LIKE, what brings ME PEACE, what sets MY SOUL on fire.....and I am wondering where my voice was before???....maybe it was covered up by the noise and duties of being a busy mama and wife.....and there wasn't enough time to turn the volume down and HEAR MYSELF! Didn't even know it......The volume is totally turned off now and I hear myself LOUD and CLEAR and I am a WOMAN on a mission....a SOUL on FIRE.....a SPIRIT going to GRAB it.....SEIZE it, EMBRACE it.... AND be eternally GRATEFUL for it.....On that infamous randomThursday night.....I hadn't seen the opportunity yet.....not fully......my heart was too broken and my vision was tainted by so much pain.....but as my heart is healing and I am understanding this journey......and the pain is lessening each day......it becomes crystal clear that I most certainly have been given a precious opportunity to begin again.......and I plan on doing just that.....
jperuso
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