I feel very strongly about my desire to heal as fully as I can from this.......I take the work of healing very seriously as well, and it is always in the forefront of the things I choose to do as I have been traveling this journey........ but it has not been easy........however in my mind I feel like I would rather do the difficult work of healing than live a life where the unhealed places in me show up to ruin anything good that comes my way, or where they prevent me from leading the life I want to live........so I persist.......even when it is painful.......even when it is messy........even when I feel like I go 10 steps forward only to feel like I have been knocked back 20 steps.........some days are like that.......it is messy and unpredictable and you never quite know what will bring up the work.........the work you must do to be whole again..........healing is beautiful and brave.......it allows us to touch and see the deepest parts of our heart and soul and really look at them.....in the beginning of this I was shocked and a little frightened at how much pain I was in.......how deep it was........and how much it hurt.......it felt overwhelming to stand in that and allow it to wash over me......but I knew I had to........I knew if I tried to avoid it or wash it away in any way it would come to find me at a later point.........the thing about healing and pain you cannot avoid it........you can in the short term which is what I think Nick has done.........but it always comes to find you......and I fear for him when his grief and loss comes to find him.........I really do.........it will gain intensity as he tries to run from it..........and become so large it may swallow him whole........absorbing all the carnage in one destructive wave..........I worry for him sometimes.......but his healing is not my business anymore in the same way it once was........and I can only manage and worry about my own.......so that I do.......and I have stood in the biggest of waves , faced them and yelled back into the faces of them.........my face beet red and my voice shaking...........all in the spirit of healing.........in the spirit of wanting the broken feeling I carried for a couple of months every day to leave.....to stop feeling that I may not survive the cards I had been dealt........I stood in the face of that and I stood tall........and faced it all.......and that bravery and willingness has paid off in so many ways......because guess what I AM healing.........every single day........I am shedding broken pieces......I am watching some of that brokenness close up right before my eyes......because I decided to prioritize my healing over all else.........there are still days it hurts like hell, like takes the breath out of me.......and when those days come I pay close attention to what caused it......because that is an indication of an unhealed spot in me, in my soul.......one that requires my attention.....and so I do.........I look at it.......examine it.......take a look at it.......work through it.......and then I move on until it happens again......and the spaces between these days grow larger.......happen less frequently but I know that the work of my healing will not be a finite process......not have an end date........not a date where I can say "hey I am all good, totally healed!" that makes me a little sad......but what I do know is that there can be many more days filled with light and healed spaces........than days filled with darkness and broken pieces and that gives me such hope that one day............one day..........I can find a nearly whole Jenn once again.......one that loves with abandon, and doesn't let her shattered pieces talk her out of it.........maybe.......I am always hopeful.........always faithful..........and I truly believe anything is possible........if you just work and try hard enough..........and I certainly am giving my healing all I got.......each and every day.......
jperuso
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