The majority of the trauma I have endured in my life has involved having "my person" at my side, at my side to calm me, to comfort me, to be a soft place to land, to be all of those things and more through the hardest times of my life, including losing my sister......I know my own strength helped me too, more times than I can count, but having somebody there when you are at your worst is an amazing feeling.....maybe the best feeling.........however this time it is just ME......It occurs to me daily that the only person coming to save me this time, is me..........On that random Thursday night when he left, the storm he left behind could have easily swallowed me whole....not sure I have ever felt a more powerful storm.....not ever.......in my entire life......and as I sat in the middle of it, marveling at its strength in my bed, having my tears fill the room, filling the darkness right up.....it was just me.......my family and friends can be there for me, can give me a hug, can offer words of encouragement, listen to endless thoughts, text for days with me, and it is all SO great, SO helpful.....SO appreciated......My faith and belief in God is also what I trust and rely on when I feel weakness slipping in......washing over me.......but when push comes to shove I have to SAVE ME this time.......nobody is coming for me.........I am ALL BY MYSELF.......and that is exactly how it needs to be this time............and even though my heart was shattered that Thursday night....there was no fear, just heartache.....endless heartache.......so much deep pain.......BUT.........I was not afraid I wouldn't be able to......I felt brave.....I felt confident to navigate my ship, climbing those big waves, manning that sail, owning that ship with a fierceness deep in my soul......determination and perseverance taking over fully.......WOW I am so grateful that that is how I felt......that that is the experience that took hold.............my intuition, my spirit, my higher self stepping up and asking me to trust it....we got you girl.....follow us........and I did.......I haven't looked back......I started running, blogging, listening to music endlessly, praying constantly, and leaning on my support system whenever I need, asking for help if I need to......and loving on my kids extra, even more than any other day of my life.... All of those things saving me in their own ways......filling a different part of my soul that needs that nourishment......that peace.....that healing.......that specific thing.....the perfect combination of things that will help me rescue myself....help me inch closer to my goals....to my NEW life........I have a list of additional things for my arsenal when it gets nice out! SPRING IS COMING!!!! Cannot tell you the HOPE that brings to my soul! I felt the spring air on my face today and felt like there was nothing I could not accomplish! It felt like safe haven............These additional things will help nourish my ENTIRE being.....more things my kids and I can share.............to help us stay strong......and keep climbing this mountain together......I get to show my kids how to climb mountains in this life.........HUGE ones.......up close and personal........to find their survival spot and own it, not hide from it.....avoid it, but stand directly in it.......each and every moment.....and that is pretty amazing......with great power comes great responsibility and I am doing my best to do it justice for them and for me.......
jperuso
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