I sat at Gabe's concert the other night, marveling at his adorable self......and basking in watching him do his thing......Mads was sitting beside me, cheering her brother on......but I will always miss, not sharing OUR kid's things with one another......and sitting side by side sharing in all they do.......it is a sting that hasn't lessened.....when you have your children with another human, that human cares for them as much as you do......cares what they do as much as you do.....and the shared stuff that is found there is a big deal......and the absence of it is too......it was one of the rare times I felt lonely as I sat there.......wanting to marvel at Gabe with his dad.......and share a moment......a moment of triumph, after all we have endured on Gabe's journey......and the seat beside me was empty......and maybe some future moments will step forward......allowing us to share those things........we should be able to.....even as divorced folks......but there are circumstances that prevent such things currently.........even if we attend things together we can't share in that stuff and it still hurts....I can't explain why it feels so heavy but it just does.....I wish there was a way for that to be so......so I sat with the moment......as the loneliness and the missing of that space made its presence known......felt the sting of it and then let it pass......I cannot control what comes or what reminds me.......I never shove it away, because it will never be healed that way......it needs to be felt and given room to breathe.......so I gave it room......and maybe it will lessen over time.....as the rest has......and it won't feel so pronounced to me, find its way into the new normal category.....and the truth is sometimes going places was more stressful in once upon a time......in fact most times.......but once we got to where we needed to, the shared experience was normally one of shared pride and joy for our kids......I do miss it.....it is work I need to do to move forward in that.........sometimes I just wish I could talk to him.......like really talk to him......and share my feelings......most times it doesn't feel important.....and I accept it is for me to forge ahead in.....but every once in awhile........the pang is fierce........all I can do is acknowledge what comes.....honor its truth......work with it and release it.......tomorrow he is taking Gabe to baseball because I have something to take Madeline to.....that is nice......and they enjoyed baseball together last weekend......but it is all the solo stuff that remains......the times we enjoy our kids without the other.......that still hurt my heart.......and maybe always will......
jperuso
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