I mentioned some of this the other day......and it occurred to me to delve more deeply into it, in the hopes that it will speak to somebody and help them.....the night he left I felt just shattered......standing in the kitchen.......tears streaming, wracking sobs, shoulders rounded.......and I felt smaller than I had ever felt in all of my life......just like a little mouse....one that you stumble upon by accident, and freezes in fright......and that night he seemed like the powerful one.....he was sort of unemotional......detached.....resigned to follow through on the decision he made......not allowing himself to FEEL any of it......to feel the end of our two decades......and I suppose he had to rally himself in that way......to insulate himself from the pain of it all......but it was something I won't ever forget......and what shifted for me early on was the notion that I wanted to be a warrior in this story.....not a victim....and I read a divorce book that spoke to that....and her candid words touched down.....she said a divorce is a marathon not a sprint.....and you have to train like a warrior.....so I got to the business of doing that.....and I believed and told myself I was a warrior, until I believed it....listening to songs that bolstered that.....running on the treadmill.....saying over and over to myself I can do hard things......just transmuting that pain, and alchemizing the experience to transform my life.....and then the tables turned and my mouse vanished pretty early on, and my inner dragon started to emerge.....with a fierce mission to feel powerful in this story......to regain her power and her place in this life......in her life......and I don't say this to brag AT ALL.....or to say it was easy, or did not challenge me endlessly......I share to offer hope to somebody battling their own circumstance, and I share this as a nod to the power we hold in OUR stories......we GET TO spin OUR narrative......we are NOT the stories people tell us......we are the stories WE DECIDE......We get to say WHO WE are and how we show up for ourselves.....and in the beginning he and his girlfriend were being so cruel to me, just awful.....and had I owned their story, it would have destroyed me......but that treatment only reinforced my will to find the dragon.....to finally turn around and breathe fire back....but not in a way that got involved in their back and forth.....or in a way that lowered myself.....but in a way that rose above the circumstance.....high road.....and held my own in the face of all of it......realizing how irrelevant they were to my story in so many ways....and that my power lied in hanging on fiercely to who I wanted to be in my story....and I most definitely wanted to be a dragon not a mouse;-) And I truly believe that a dragon lives inside of all of us.......just a fire breathing fierce place, that just needs to be ignited by a desire to overcome......overcome what has come to find us.......and finding that dragon has been what has driven so much of this.....feeling powerful and comfortable in my new life....relying on that dragon to help me when the road gets stuff.....and most of the time the dragon has a big smile on her face, joy and peace in her heart, and a wild excitement about LIVING in our soul......like really LIVING......but sometimes she needs to breathe fire a little too;-) and that is OK.....she will always remember the mouse.....and hold space for her.....but being a dragon just feels better:) And you can be one too:).....I see you and believe in YOU! :) Happy Friday, whew what a week! :)
jperuso
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