The remembering of this popped into my head quite randomly yesterday....and maybe it was because I had done my business video about my passion for woman finding themselves.....their satisfaction, their happiness and their joy in their own lives.....learning to love and give to themselves as they do for others......I have shared many times that the communication between my ex and I has been very limited since he left.....and there are lots of reasons for that......ones that I know..... ones that I can guess....and maybe some I don't.....but the first year we had some moments to communicate when his girlfriend wasn't a part of every interaction that we have......and I was remembering after a mediation......we had walked back to our cars on the street down from the courthouse.....and we got talking....and that was not all that long after....maybe a couple of months, and I remember standing there on the street......excitedly telling him, with passion in my eyes, and my voice about the fact that I was learning to love myself.....really love myself and take care of me.....and how exciting and great it felt.....and how powerful......and realizing us parting ways was for the best.....and it was the only conversation we had in the aftermath like that.....and I will never forget the look on his face......he was taken aback.....but also marveling some at me as I gave my impassioned speech......and I could see that he knew he had no more power in my life, and that he was beginning to not recognize the woman I was becoming.....and there was even a flicker of admiration......of his knowing that I was going to triumph.....he never would have left us with our children alone, if he did not believe I was strong enough to be OK for them.....and my strength was a sore spot, our entire marriage......it was a thing he admired in me, but equally hated.......my strength making him feel small.....he said those words the night he left......and that his girlfriend did not make him feel that way.....and well.....what does one say to that.....I am sorry I am strong?????? No........but he knew I would be OK....and that day, when I got a small window to say some of my piece......it was powerful.....in all the ways I needed it to be.......beginning to feel my own power take hold, and propel me forward, and starting to awaken to the gifts I was going to receive in this story beyond the pain......and that day on the street......was one of the beginning parts of it all.....and I am glad I got that moment......to stand up.......and speak my truth.....and that he was in an open space that day to receive it peacefully and quietly.......I share it because it came to me yesterday....but also to marvel at what he thought that day......that is one fantasy I hold.....sitting with him, where he is open, honest, and able, to recount the last 3 plus years from his perspective.......my quietly listening.......fascinated by the thought of it.....must be the life coach in me that is so curious.......I am sure there are places of both our stories that the other hasn't considered or thought of......and that our stories are different.....and the challenges we have faced have been different......I am pretty sure I will never have that opportunity.....and I don't need it....just a curiosity is all.....And part of what drives me every day......is what I tasted that day.....revenge itself is futile.....and is a quick fix that doesn't nourish us....but what does.....is to stand fiercely in our truth and rise above our circumstance, traveling on the high road....and creating a beautiful life......that is where our power lies.....sinking to low level back biting is not the way to anything beautiful....and my instinct has always been to stay out of that part of this story....and own my own.....and I guess I hope......somewhere inside of him.....maybe in a place he cannot fully face or access....he feels proud of me...and all I have fought through for our children....and all I have done for them to help them heal.....and it doesn't matter in a true sense if he is or he isn't.....because I have learned to be. Learning to be my own hero.....and cheerleader.....and that will always be enough, always :) I hope this speaks to you if you are facing something that seems so big, you got this, I promise you:) Happy Sunday!
jperuso
Comments