As visitation has taken hold regularly......as I have had a deep willingness to make it as easy as possible.....by being kind to the other woman as she comes to my house every other weekend with him to pick up my children......and time marches on......I keep thinking that somehow all that effort and work I am putting in, will somehow help this situation move forward......help it in some way......and I suppose it does in the short term......in those moments of drop off and pick up.......it makes it better for my kids.......it makes it feel better between the adults.......but in terms of any REAL progress.......it just feels hopeless.........and I am reminded of that each time I try and communicate with him and am met with silence and being ignored......or a response from his lawyer's office, instead of by him?? I cannot for the life of me figure out the "why"........in the beginning I chalked all of that up to the dynamic he had created during his affair, and my feeling like a threat to their relationship.......but surely that cannot be it now? Can it???? Like how much more do I have to prove.....and is there ever enough to satisfy their lack of trust? There is an active movement toward keeping me away in every possible way......and unfortunately when you are co parenting children that just isn't possible......so it happened again last night and it is the one thing that can still get to me.....because from where I sit it seems so ridiculous......like such a waste of time and energy.......the only thing I am looking for is to have a co parenting relationship that allows us to communicate openly when is necessary, and to finalize our divorce, in a way that makes sense. There are so many challenging extenuating circumstances in the world at the moment in terms of our divorce......so it will be challenging to do that......but I always remain hopeful that we can......so when I am treated in a moment in a way that is not in line with who I am.....or the efforts I have made to make this situation better......and I realize all the stuff I witness at the pick up and drop off is fake.......and is not moving us toward anything.........it feels kinda awful......and hopeless that it will ever be any different.......at least while things remain the way they are at this moment......and it is then that I wish he was more willing to stand up.....to do what is right, no matter the cost.......to make our new relationship, for our kids, a priority in his life........but each time he doesn't.......and I cannot for the life of me understand it.....and likely won't ever.........and the reality is I cannot control any of it......how he acts and the decisions he makes.......I have known that for a long time........the only power I have is controlling myself.......continuing to try to be kind and open.........and willing...........to move forward in our lives in a new way.........giving up on sharing how I feel with him......there is no point.........so instead I continue extending olive branches despite all that was done to me.......choosing to put that all aside, and just be open to work toward change......real change......not fake change........and maybe I will always be the only one working on that.....and I guess that is OK too.......because when we can't change a situation.....the only power we have is to change ourselves.......so I will remain open.......and kind........and remain true to me........not sacrificing that, even when I feel hurt and confused.......just hanging onto myself.......and not letting the waves that come, albeit a lot less frequently these days, change that.......my joy and my peace are not up for grabs......no matter what........and hope always lives in my heart despite it all........because hope really does float.........it just does........
jperuso
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