The loss of the "four best friends"

That is what we called ourselves, a play on the line from the movie "Hangover." In fact there were probably hundreds of sayings and private jokes that infiltrated our lives throughout the years. All funny and all our own. The kids sharing in all of the "Peruso Family" sayings...... I feel like the loss of he and I hasn't come to find me yet, because the first grief I need to face, the one that is blinking in front of me is the loss of MY little family of four. Ooof it is a doozy. Heavy in ways I cannot express. It hurts like hell. My favorite days over the past years of my life are the days where my little family was blazing a trail. Either out in the world or in our home. Spending time together, sharing a meal, talking to one another, playing a game, playing outside, sharing a smile with him about our kids and how precious they are. All of it......There was not much on this earth that I needed except for that. A nice cozy snow day, by our fireplace, crockpot going, cozy clothes on, and just the four of us doing our thing.......however the stark realization I have had to face is that that will never be again. Typing that gives me another stomach ache.....No matter what happens moving forward, even if I find love in my life again, my little family of four is gone forever......never to be again. The tears streaming as I write this........it is heartbreaking to me. In so many ways, for so many reasons. Ways I find hard to articulate. It has been my life quest, the thing I have protected all these years, like a fragile and precious vase. Now the vase is lying on the floor in shattered pieces. Those pieces forever broken and I am left with only certain ones I can put back together. However that precious little vase that I nurtured all these years is one I will miss all the days of my life. I know with certainty it will hurt me forever......I know that with every fiber of my being.... I will forever hold the memories of those "four best friend" days close to my heart. I will remember them with fondness and as a gift in my life. I will share them with my kids, especially with my daughter, so she can have some of that to carry in her heart too. She is only four and those days will be hard for her to find in her memory one day.......that is a heartache all its own.......Moving forward I will create beauty, new adventures, and cozy days for the "three best friends." I will embrace our new journey as I grieve what we leave behind..........