There are huge things that have happened to me by way of my husband that have hurt like hell......like take your breath away hurt.......just deep emotional pain.....but it seems these days that those things aren't what resonate so intensely with me in the ways they once did.....it is the small memories......the good ones......that come in a moment and sting.....those big things, as painful and as unfair as they were to me......were really a product of his own pain, his own issues, his own suffering......so even though every part of it feels personal.....much of it wasn't, hurt people hurt people.....and some days it is hard for me to believe I did not realize how badly he was suffering internally......despite trying to know every part of him at every turn......but the truth is we can hide stuff away from those we love if we have that place within us.....the ability to hide......and I am a pretty open book in most respects in my life....I think I have always been that way.....but I too have been known to bury feelings or emotions, or hide parts of me away, not feeling free to bring my whole self out.......letting her run free.....but I am not doing that again....one of the most powerful things for me has been stepping fully into my authenticity.....saying my truth every single day......allowing myself to be free in every way......without the weight of what other people think........so these little things that come to hurt my heart are the deep things.....the real things between us.......and the remembering of that.....because for a long time after and still......I spent a lot of time remembering and feeling the weight of the deception......feeling its heaviness on my mind and soul......and when I do it sort of diminishes those real places......making them feel cheap or irrelevant, when really that is never true......as my therapist so appropriately says....we are not all one way.....human beings are many people and they all exist inside of us......so we can't discount the good because of bad.....even overwhelming bad.....and that is not so easy to do.....part of me feels it is easier to remember him as he was in the end......lying.....deceptive.......hurtful.................it is painful to remember the stinging things.......the soft places.....the places that felt so much like home to me......the places in him that I loved so deeply........the places lost forever.....those places are the ones that carry ghosts....and confusion....and sadness......and really it all comes down to the same thing for me.....the absolute disbelief that "my person".......could........could do it all.......to me.......still shaking my head months after.....not daily.......but still sometimes......and always in the land in between......between the part that is the blessing of my life now......and the grief of the life I lost, a life I truly was no longer meant to live.......and it is such a deeply confusing space to live in......wrought with duality......with the two very real spaces I live in.....the heartache and the peace......and I have let the peace win......I honor my pain but don't live there......and do not allow that space to hold the greatest parts of my attention......my attention lies in what gifts my heartache came carrying......gifts I was able to see.......I am sure the stinging will last a long time......one moment......coming to mind and causing me to breathe deeply, close my eyes till it passes......until the next one.......and I accept that......a life.....and true and deep love.....comes carrying a price......and I won't be sorry for the life I lead with him.....and the price I paid in the end for my freedom, and for the life I get to have now......not ever :)
jperuso
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