Boy if we are honest there are a bunch right? We tell ourselves things daily or through our lives that just are NOT true......I am an honest person to a fault.....sometimes too direct....too straightforward....too real for some folks.....but I definitely got in the habit at the end of my marriage of lying.....not to him though.....to myself......and just even thinking about it right in this moment.....feels exhausting......I truly thought I was going to save us.....and that it was possible, despite the things that happened to the contrary......I believed that I would never be OK, neither would my kids, if our marriage and family dissolved........I believed that it was better to stay where I was, in that space of familiarity, than start again with another man, or start another life.......all of those things were lies.......none even a little bit true......I mean the things I told myself about how awful it would be after he left and the fallout are partially true.....it is or was pretty bad sometimes.......but in terms of staying in that place, it isn't true.....and somehow despite my facing a lot of adversity in my life and triumphing........I had forgotten that has it pertained to this part of my life......as if I wasn't going to meet this challenge in the same way I have met others? Goes to show you how powerful love is and our own minds......but the lies were even bigger than that......one that I keep shaking my head at.....was the strong belief I held that I could never be physically fit.......that I was nerdy not athletic......that physical stuff wasn't my wheelhouse.......that I would never really be super healthy......no matter what, that was such a lie......I am in the best shape of my life at 45, so much stronger than I have ever been, with more endurance than I have ever had, and I think not having the belief in it being possible was what blocked it from happening....now I believe, because I know it is possible.......what you focus on grows indeed........I believed I would never be OK living alone......not being part of a pair......always fancied myself a married person......turns out I love being on my own......like way more than I ever thought possible.....again who knew?........and I think I held a quiet belief......maybe not saying it out loud so much........but quietly in my heart......that I would never be able to live without Nick....he had battled cancer when Gabe was young and the thought of him dying wrecked me then.......facing not living with him in my life was so profoundly sad that I almost could not stand it......and in my heart I always thought that if I had to live without him in this life I would not survive it......another lie.......because here I am not only surviving it but most days these days THRIVING.....and I don't share this to brag or toot my own horn.....this sort of thing is for EVERYBODY......I am no different or more special than whoever is reading this.........we ALL tell ourselves lies that are just NOT true....and we need to be careful......like really careful.......we are not the lies we tell ourselves......we are the ways we challenge those lies and turn them upside down.....or just don't even acknowledge them at all.......for the very first time in my whole life......I NOW believe ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.......I catch myself any time I head in the "lies we tell ourselves" space and I challenge every single one that comes to me.....it is a habit to break indeed......but I am determined to not limit myself or my life up ahead by anything, especially nonsense our brains construct.......sky is the limit and I plan on finding out how high I can go:) AND you should too:).
jperuso
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