Mads was writing in a notebook I had given her that had been barely used. She found this letter I had written over a decade ago in my marriage........to my ex.....old fashioned pen and paper.....cursive........before text and email......and so I read it.....and it was like being transported back.....taking a time machine.....and the Jenn then knew there was cause for concern.....she knew it clearly.......... I was desperately trying to be seen and heard by him in this letter......it was filled with concerns about us and where we were headed.....and some long standing issues that just never got better......all the way up until the end.......and it was sad to read.....to remember that it was rockier earlier on than I care to admit sometimes to myself, and for longer than I care to admit....... and that he never heard those specific pleas, or if he did it never changed..... and it just kept on spinning....and that perhaps I should have taken my own leave sooner......I remembered as I read that letter that I had bought some books on marriage during that time......in an attempt to fix it.....I read them......he didn't......I don't say that as a dig, just as a fact........I am not a perfect person by any stretch......well aware of my flaws and shortcomings, and marriage is indeed a two way street, both the sustaining of it, and the destruction of it......but reading this letter made me remember the ways I tried even all those years ago......and that I hung in when it was hard.....and that leaving wasn't even an option for me.......even though I can hear that Jenn's desperation and unhappiness in her written words.......like a time capsule......preserved all those years in that notebook......can hear her wanting so much for it to be different......for them to right the ship and find their way.....and I had forgotten that specific time until I read it and the circumstances surrounding that part of our lives......but interestingly enough even though the circumstances were different then......the issues remained the same.....showing up no matter what else was going on, didn't matter.........and I honestly believe that we had a good run way in the beginning and then moments of greatness along the way, I can remember a few times where I thought we had it knocked.....but a good portion of it was flawed and hard......I don't like to use that term, I prefer challenging......but yeah it was hard a lot.......and I guess reading that made me examine myself some more.....my willingness to hang in, stay too late to the party.......just stay too long........be too loyal, too committed despite the writing on the wall......and the finding of it was timely......showing me what I need to leave behind in 2022.....and have 2023 finding an even more evolved Jenn.......a woman that still loves fiercely and with such loyalty.....but not to the detriment of herself......not ever again......
jperuso
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