Our Pastor talked on Zoom last night about different Christmases he remembered....and the meanings they carried and the themes they held....and I feel the same.....Christmas time is by far my favorite, I love all of it.....the smells, the colors, the lights, the festive nature of it, the magic, the food, the drink, the revelry, the message that comes with the baby Jesus, the traditions, just all of it.......when I was a kid it was magical.....my parents worked so hard to make it that way....and my grandparents would come over on Christmas Eve and we would head to church, sing Silent Night by candlelight, then head home for appetizers.....and then sleep in our beds in anxious anticipation.....and when morning broke my grandparents would head over early to watch us open our gifts and we had to wait for their arrival.....and the anticipation was everything......and those times are so treasured in my heart.....such deep tradition and love.......when I started my own family with Nick.....we adopted many of those traditions.....For a few years we went to his mom's house for Christmas Eve then to church after too......Nick was never as fond of Christmas Eve service as I was but he would come.....and then the waiting for my parents to come and watch the kids open gifts......adopted that as well but he didn't love that either.....and it seemed that holidays provoked something in him.....we never talked much about what happened when he was growing up related to holidays.....never lots of information pouring forth.....and I always sensed the holidays came bearing stress for him that I didn't quite understand and sometimes really didn't enjoy in him......a cloud to settle on my sunny day?? And never with an explanation.....Don't misunderstand, I do have some fond memories of our holidays together.......but that space always existed in him no matter what at some point during our holiday season.......so I have now spent two Christmases without him.....last year via quarantine and this year via quarantine and divorce......the odds though?.....but truth is I haven't missed his energy around my holiday.....there has been an ease present in both years that didn't always arrive when he was here......and he is now free to celebrate as he wishes too or adopt new things to do.......I plan on adding new traditions next year for my kids and I and had plans for such this year, and then COVID......so I will craft a new path for us.....and I hope if there is another man awaiting for me out there......that our holiday spirit and holidays will meld beautifully...and I will have a true Buddy the Elf in my life.....somebody filled with Christmas spirit.....loving all the things I do about the holiday.....the twinkle, the magic, the peace......not feel as if I am dragging somebody along for a holiday.....it always touched my heart and made me a little sad that that was the vibe I caught from him sometimes.....knowing he didn't mean it......not intentional.....and wondering what prompted such a reaction to such a special thing? And always wishing for a magic wand to lift it from him......free him of that resistance....help him really see the magic I saw.....that I am not sure he ever fully saw but definitely got glimpses of in our lives together.....and now I wonder if maybe a part of him misses the holiday with me.....he did like my decorating of the holiday, and my holiday spirit touched him despite himself........ and how it felt in our home....it doesn't matter if he misses my Buddy......I don't need to be missed.....I am just curious how his freedom from celebrating holidays with me, feels in real life, versus what he imagined.......it is crazy to spend a holiday without a person you spent the 20 previous holidays with.....kinda crazy....though last year helped because it was my first holiday alone in a string of other ones to come, I just didn't know.......so as I move forward I will continue to revel in the holiday and all holidays.....praying for a fellow reveler to revel with me too! :)
jperuso
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