I am proud that throughout this I can honestly say I have not lowered myself very often and chosen to go high when they go low.......I can think of one time I may have done things differently......one time I let my emotions get the best of me......but that is not too bad considering he has been gone nearly 7 months.......it is truly hard to believe he has been gone that long.....our first year apart, in nearly 20 years, is almost half over.....and I am not saying this to brag or to toot my own horn......or to say that the high road is easy and I have no trouble at all taking it at every turn......I am saying this to say that anybody can do it.....if you catch yourself and are mindful of what is happening inside of you.......I never react when it comes to him.....or try my best not to.......I take some time to let something process through me, sometimes a full day.......and in that space comes my ability to find the high road again.....to see it more clearly.........I try my best to stay out of snarkyville in any of my communication......or what I have to say......no low blows......sticking to facts and to what is actually happening, and keeping my goal in the forefront of my mind in each and every action I take......and my goal is always the same, for him to have the space and dignity to find his way back to his ability to father our children well.......truth is I could dump an ocean worth of pain and shame on him daily.......and I would be justified.....or maybe feel justified......but there is no amount of shame or pain I can put on him that he hasn't already put on himself in his quiet moments......I know that......and the hell he has created for himself doesn't need any mean spirited banter from me, or more gasoline to fan the flames he is living in.......our words carry great power......they have the power to harm or heal......and you cannot take them back.......now that is not to say that I have not said my peace to him throughout this to some degree via text......I have......but it has been the truth as I see it......and in how I feel at the time and I share it when the opportunity arises.......and I try to steer clear of personal attacks......and the truth is I don't even feel like attacking him most of the time......it is not in me.......I just truly want him to find a way to do the right thing......to step into his best self.......and shaming somebody doesn't accomplish that.....and sometimes while it would feel so good to fire off some response where I gloat, and shame, and am right, in my mind anyway.......it doesn't serve the greater good......it just doesn't......it would be temporary relief for me with long term consequences.......so I have to remind myself in the day to day that the high road is my road.......can't control much but can control that........the high road happens in the pause....and in the space we give ourselves to find our authentic selves......and ask what is it I am trying to accomplish......really.......and our deepest selves know the answer to that.......so I will continue to try my best to travel the high road through this journey......for myself...... for my children......I know it will always be worth it and I will never be sorry for choosing it........not ever.........
jperuso
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